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The Great Debate: Blondes Versus Brunettes

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The blonde versus brunette debate has been going on since penises were given a choice between the two. Of course, there are beautiful women on both sides, and women generally have a lot of similarities regardless of hair color. Just don’t try to tell me (in an annoying, scolding feminist voice), “A woman’s hair color has nothing to do with who she is!” There are distinct differences between blondes and brunettes that don’t so much create a choice, but a preference. Now, before the hyperbole police get all up in my ass on this, I know there are exceptions in each group. Not all blondes fit their mold, not all brunettes fit their mold. But, based on the experience of an almost 50:50 ratio, I can pretty cleanly classify each group. I’ve dated blondes for longer time periods, but I’ve dated more brunettes, so here’s the Royal Rumble championship matchup between blondes and brunettes.

Blondes

Pros

Blonde hair is attractive: Not that there aren’t hot brunettes, but for some unknown reason, blonde hair increases overall attractiveness on its own. There’s a reason why blonde hair was associated with beauty in Ancient Greece and, not coincidentally, the goddess Aphrodite was believed to have golden blonde hair. That’s why you see more brunettes getting highlights than blondes going darker.

Blondes are usually very friendly: At least they’re nice to your face–I’ve only met a few bitchy blondes who enjoy being unpleasant for shits and grins.

Exceptional personal maintenance: Blondes in general, compared to brunettes, are more anal retentive about personal hygiene, especially regarding hair removal in key regions. Key regions being everything south of the eyebrows.

More fun: The old cliché “blondes have more fun” is generally true. Aside from a few crazy brunettes I know, the golden-haired are consistently wilder and more adventurous.

Cons

The bad kind of anal: Compared to brunettes, blondes are pickier and higher strung over small details. I’m not a big fan of walking on pins and needles to avoid an argument.

Generally immature and irresponsible: Blondes currently lead brunettes in the “drunk dates/girlfriends I had to literally carry home and tuck into bed like a sleepy child” department 3:1.

More open about self-consciousness: How many times should I have to tell a blonde I’m dating, “You look beautiful in that dress” before she drops the subject? Once should be enough. This is rarely a problem with brunettes.

Aggressively unaggressive in the dating game: Since blondes are more used to getting attention due to, well, being blonde, they always expect the guy to make the first move. I’m fine with making the first move, but sometimes it’s fun to be on the other end of the great mating ritual. It’s 2014 for goodness’ sake–you can text first, sometimes. #equality

High maintenance: Higher maintenance than a fucking Ferrari.

Brunettes

Pros

Generally more mature and responsible: As previously said, I haven’t had to take care of a brunette I was dating near as frequently as a blonde. In fact, it was usually the other way around. Brunettes are like drunk, judgmental, slightly caring moms.

More aggressive when trying to pick up a guy: Brunettes generally seem more comfortable texting first, getting your number, or volunteering their number. They’re going to take what’s theirs, and I can respect that–as long as it’s not the last beer.

More laid back about minor things: Women are generally nitpicky, but you’re less likely to get an earful about something minor from a brunette than from a blonde. They save the chewing out for major things, like forgetting about birthdays…

Cons

They often come off as bitchy: I’m not sure if it’s miserable bitchiness or just taking joy in being bitchy, but brunettes have no problem trying to play Queen Bitch, and they’ll come at you with something abrasive. Yeah, she’ll probably like it quite a bit when you man up and sling that shit right back, but it’s not pleasant at all, and I have minimal patience for attitude.

They look older: Darker hair generally makes you look older than a blonde counterpart, which I suppose could be a pro for some guys. You may age well once you get into your late thirties and older, but when you turn 28 as a brunette you’ll LOOK 28.

Low key and boring: With a few exceptions, brunettes are generally boring. Some are homebodies, some are more reserved when you go out, and only a handful are fun-loving social butterflies when you go out, and when you’re a guy, you need a better half like that. As nice as it can be sometimes, I can’t just snuggle up and watch Netflix every single night and weekend.

They’re also high maintenance: You can’t escape it either way.

Personally, I find blondes more attractive on the surface, but brunettes seem to have a more subtle sexiness about them that you wouldn’t know just by looking at them. Although my dating statistics say otherwise, I generally prefer blondes. Who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. To each his own? Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I’m right.

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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