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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly: Meet ‘The Bachelorette’ Cast

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly: Meet ‘The Bachelorette' Cast

The guys of Touching Base also broke down this season’s contestants during their most recent episode, and will also be breaking down every single episode the morning after they air. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud.

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On Touching Base the other day (shouts to Toucher Nation), the gang commented on how it had been eerily quiet on the Bachelorette cast release. Welp, looks like Chris Harrison is a listener, because he gave the people what they wanted. The cast has been released, and it’s really a rag tag group of guys being dudes.

Since the entire show is basically based on judging books by their covers, that’s Hundo-P what I’m about to do with each and every Dianabol-riddled guy on this season’s cast of 31 (?!?!?!) guys vying for Rachel’s love. I’ll also give a floor (worst case scenario) and ceiling (best case) for how far they’ll go.

Adam: First impression is that his eyes look kind of tired, which doesn’t jive with his profession as real estate agent. Why’s he so tired? His favorite movie isThe Pursuit of Happyness, he bragged about having a threesome in his bio, and even though he’s a former college football player, he’s afraid of spider and snakes. Floor: first eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Alex: taller than last year’s Alex, but not as studly, and he’s got some Jordan Rodgers cockatoo hair going on. He likes Coldplay (Snooze Fest City) and The Beatles (the original Snooze Fests, don’t @ me). This guy seems like a limp noodle. Floor: first eliminated. Ceiling: First 10 eliminated.

Anthony: This guy is only 26 and taught English in Indonesia, and got a Fulbright Grant to teach in the Ivory Coast. He said if he could be anybody for a day, it’d be his mom, just to understand her better. Dude sounds like the most selfless guy on earth. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Winner.

Blake E: First impression? Dude looks like a less attractive yet equally strange Robby. He’s a 31-year-old aspiring drummer who was once engaged for 48 hours and if he could watch ANY movie right this second (it should be Armageddon), he picked the new Fifty Shades flick. This guy could get weird, fast. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: First 12 eliminated.

Blake K: Much more normal looking than Blake E, and he’s a former Marine. Dude loves Chipotle and got a little emotional in his bio about his dad. If I had to knock him, it’s that he said The Rock is the only guy who could make a fanny pack look cool which is wrong because fanny packs are just cool, period. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: The Next Bachelor.

Brady: This guy’s a real-life Hansel. He’s a male model who seems wayyyy too into Channing Tatum. On the one hand, his favorite gift of all time was Lulu joggers (because duh) but on the other, his most hated person on earth is The Situation from Jersey Shore. I’m always team GTL, so for that, I’m anti-Brady. It’s tee shirt time, baby! Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 10.

Bryan: Rip Van Winkle of the bunch here is 37, though I gotta say, kind of a stud. BUT, when you’re 37 and going on this show, the obvious question is, “What the fuckkkk is wrong with you?” He seems normal, but then he made sure to say the best dates end when “both people are satisfied ;)” – kinda creepy, no? Floor: First 10 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 5.

Bryce: He’s got a square head, like a LEGO. He once caught a girl’s hair on fire while schtupping. He once got in a high-speed motorcycle chase to save a someone’s life. He describes his lovemaking as a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning. Oh, and he’s a firefighter. This guy’s either going to be the coolest guy on the show, or the biggest piece of work we’ve ever seen. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 10.

Dean: This guy is screaming “stoner” to me right off the bat. He has a tat that says “righteous” and would want to be stranded on an island made of Hot Cheetos and mint chip ice cream. He also went on a show supposedly to find love and said marriage is an institutionalized sham. Wild Card City. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

DeMario: Tall dark and handsome. This guy’s downfall? He might be TOO electric. Here are some quotes: “Always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let’s fire it up. Put on some Prince and party like it’s 1999!!!!” And, “I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Okay, maybe he’s a little flamboyant. Floor: First 12 Eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Diggy: No Diggity, no doubt. This guy also loves The Pursuit of Happyness (seriously, y’all got to watch better Will Smith movies). Other than that, seems like a normal dude who likes day drinking and rocking Warby Parker frames. Okay in my book. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Winner winner chicken mothafuckin’ dinnah.

Eric: No gas, this guy might be the black dude from the show Psych. Straight up doppelganger. One of his favorite movies? Bad Boys (see, now we’re getting somewhere with Will Smith movies, although everyone knows Bad Boys II >>> Bad Boys but ‘tevs). This guy seems to have it together. Personal trainer who likes to read and is a bit of a neat freak. Boring? Sure. Normal? Probs. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Top 5.

Fred: Seems like kind of a southern gentleman. They did ask him if he ever has been turned on at the wrong time and he said, and I quote, “there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.” Hey man, boners happen. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Grant: Best looking guy here? No. Physician? Yes. One time had to shit in an empty 2-Liter in the back of a bus in Peru, so you know this guy’s ride or die. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 10.

Iggy: This guy is listed, LISTED, at 5’6” (which has since been updated to say 5’11” – yeah, right). Yikes. That’s tinyyyyy. The cards have to be stacked against him. BUT, his favorite magazine is the Harvard Business Review, so you know this guy is DCO all the way. And one time he got a boner in a board meeting and had to present sitting down, because, you know, boners happen. This guy’s a favorite of ours, but his height is going to do him in, but not right away. Floor: First 8 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Jack Stone: Everyone else goes first name only, but when you’ve got the name of every male protagonist in a Lifetime movie, you go first dot last. AND, this guy’s a lawyer. With the name like Jack Stone you just KNOW he’s a personal injury lawyer, and he’ll “right your wrongs and get you compensated for all the mesothelioma caused by asbestos, and THAT is the Stone-cold guarantee.” Good looking cat with a solid bio. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: The Next Bachelor.

Jamey: Man enough to admit he’s been caught masturbating and has exactly zero female friends. Honest. Probably not going to win. Floor: first eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Jedidiah: Brutallll first name But the dude’s a doctor who used to own dogs that were all half-wolf, so you know this guy’s a deal closer. He also built his parents’ house in Montana and once smashed cellulite on a glacier on the continental divide. Manly man with an awful name. Floor: First 8 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Jonathan: His occupation listed is “Tickle Monster.” And he lost his V-card to his ex-wife. Floor: eliminated once he steps off the limo. Ceiling: First 8 eliminated.

Josiah: A prosecutor who crushes cigar bars down in South Beach with a bible scripture tat who loves long calls with his mom. Guy could go places. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 5.

Kenny: A 35-year-old professional wrestler with a daughter. Enigma city. Also admitted to banging some wife while the husband watched. Can’t get a read on anyone who’s actually a professional cuck wrestler, so floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Kyle: Says his ex was into BDSM and made him a dom. Seems wicked superficial. Says his ideal mate is a 7+ with a big butt. I’m a butt guy too, Kyle, but I wouldn’t say my ideal mate’s number one trait is big butt. Come on, Kyle. Play the game for me, one time. Floor: First 8 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Lee: We got a singer/songwriter from Nashville on our hands! Need dumb songs a la James Taylor. NEED them. Other than that, I got nothing to say, except he’s got Jordan Rodgers hair and the white undershirt he’s wearing under his shirt is for sure not a good look. Floor: first 8 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Lucas: Occupation is “Whaboom.” Wha-what? If he could have dinner with anyone dead it’d be Bruce Jenner. I shit you not, he said this. He’s also the second person to say he can’t stand The Situation from J-Shore. How does Mike Sorrentino have so much real estate in these guys’ brains? It’s bananas! Floor: first eliminated. Ceiling: First 12 eliminated.

Matt: Guy sounds like a huge sweetheart. Volunteer basketball coach who loves Timberlake and John Mayer. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Michael: Former pro basketball player. In Bulgaria. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 10.

Milton: His greatest achievement was dominating the rec basketball league, which, at 6’5”, shouldn’t have been too hard. Also is up front about being on the TV show hoping to “get discovered” and become an actor. Um, wrong reasons much? Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: depends how low hanging it is because he’s so tall. But Top 15.

Mohit: How long does it take him to get ready for a night out? His answer: “An episode of Seinfeld.” I’m IN on Mohit. Floor: first
eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.

Peter: He modeled in Greece for three months so I assume the guy’s got some good looks. Said he went ring shopping after just three months for his girlfriend he ended up dating for two years. Floor: First 12 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 12.

Rob: I think he’s foreign. And it says he had a boy band phase in which he had blonde highlights and diamond studs. Foreigners are tough. Could be a no-name like Shoshana or a scud missile like Kristina. Wild card. Floor: first eliminated.
Ceiling: Top 15.

Will: I love this guy. If he could be anyone for a day, it’d be the Fresh Prince. Plus, he loved Jurassic Park and Star Wars. Love it. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Fantasy Suit.

So, what do you think of these goons?

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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