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The Gentleman’s Summer Checklist

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Whether you consider the beginning of summer to be the official day, June 21, or if you do what I do and start celebrating summer on June 1 (I’m not some asshole who lives by a “calendar”) now is the time to start preparing yourself. There are crucial decisions you have to make.

1. Bathing Suit

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First of all, do you even have one? If you do, try it on. If you’ve lost weight, one size too big is going to leave you subject to at least one pool party incident of showing everyone your shriveled dick. Chances are, that will be the dick they associate you with for life. You can’t just run into the bathroom to fluff your piece of chewed up bubble gum then reemerge to whip it out again so you can rectify the situation. Then you’re the “whip it out weirdo,” who obviously has mommy issues.

If your suit is too tight, get a new one, fatso. I’m kidding. No one is judging your weight gain, but it does make everyone feel better about themselves. Good on you, roly poly. That tight suit you bought to go on spring break senior year of high school is only going to draw more attention to the issue when you look like a fleshy human cupcake.

Either way, don’t wait on putting a bit of time into shopping for a new one that looks best on your body type. Don’t be the guy who needed something last minute so he just grabbed a pair of Duck Dynasty cargo trunks from Walmart one afternoon, then ended up rocking those all summer like a slob who hates pussy and wants it as far away from himself as possible. Or sweet young man meat. Whatever you’re into.

For me, I’m going to get one of those Euro joints so I can really let everyone know what I’m all about in the backdoor and banana departments. There’s no need to be greedy and keep those crave-able assets to myself–I have to respect the ladies by sharing some eye candy. I’m a giver.

2. Get A Proper Cooler

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Don’t be the guy who shows up to the beach with a plastic grocery bag filled with a tray’s worth of ice cubes and four cans of hot beer you had in your trunk.

Want to be a big boy about it? Get a Coleman Classic 54-quart steel number. It’s the Ford F-150 of American beverage transport. It was good enough for your grandpa on fishing trips, and it’s damn sure good enough for you.

If you want to go smaller and can’t handle that amount of muscle, I suggest the timeless Igloo Playmate. They come in sizes that hold nine cans or a full dirty 30. Make sure you get it in red or blue. You hear me? Red or blue. This is America for Christ’s sake. Don’t be a jerk.

Also, while you’re at it, you may as well get yourself a Weber Smokey Joe and a bag of charcoal to keep in your car.  Fire it up at will and stand apart as a man amongst boys–anywhere, anytime.

3. Get Tickets For A Baseball Game

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Just buy them now so you’re locked in. It’s too easy to let the months slip by and end up never going. If you let a whole summer go by without having a stadium hot dog, peanuts, and getting ripped up on draft beer at an MLB game with your buddies or your old man, you need to really think about your priorities. “But, I don’t like baseball.” You don’t at least like GOING to baseball games? Shut the fuck up. Go play your stupid ass video games and be sad. No one cares.

4. Have A Country Summer

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Two years ago, my buddy Brooks Wheelan “acquired” a boombox, and from there, “Country Summer” was born. Wherever we went, we blared a mix of feel good country songs about babes, booze, and living a low stress lifestyle. Do most people like country music? Not really. Was this met with rejection several times? Sure. But they should have thought to bring their own boombox. Fuck ‘em if they don’t like good times–and nothing says good times in the USA like a song about whiskey, beer, trucks, and girls in cutoffs.

5. Fitness

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There’s still time to drop five or 10 pounds and tone up if you start now. Don’t worry about what Men’s Health says or start “thinking about joining a gym.” If it’s not already part of your routine to go to CrossFit or yoga or whatever, you aren’t going to do it at this point. Here’s a simple routine:

• 100 Pushups per day.

• 100 crunches or leg raises per day.

• Three times a week, do a half hour of cardio.

• Cut the sleeves off all of your T-shirts.

Also, stop eating garbage for a month. Stop eating frozen pizza. Stop eating fast food. Eat cans of tuna, turkey, or cut avocados in half and put Lawry’s on that shit and eat ‘em like pudding cups. Eat some fucking strawberries and vegetables. Stop eating chips. You wanna get hammered? Drink vodka on the rocks (or vodka with sparkling water if you’re a teenage girl). Go back to your normal drinking preferences after you’ve seen some results.

It’s not that hard. Don’t want to do those things? Fine, lazy ass. Look like shit. Wear your T-shirt in the lake. It’s totally chill, boss.

6. Your Towel

Get a proper beach towel for the sand or the pool. Don’t just grab your bath towel off the rack in your bathroom like some scumbag. That faded grayish blue piece of shit with bleach stains on it? Terrible. When the beach slizz sees that, it’s over.

This is what you want.

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What’s hotter than a chick in a Budweiser bikini or even a one piece? Nothing. But sadly, they’re a rarity–women don’t have as much class as they used to. Should you happen upon one, be prepared with this coordinated conversation piece.

“But Mike, that’s stupid. I’m not getting a classic Budweiser towel just in case I run into a hot chick in a Budweiser bikini.”

Fine then. Don’t. More beach slizz for the rest of us.

7. A Relationship

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Do you want to have a “couples” summer by continuing a relationship that could possibly end in early September, leaving you regretting all the summertime action you could have had? Do you want to risk getting caught cheating on your significant other because you couldn’t resist playing underwater hide the fingers at a pool party that went until 3 a.m. with that Tina chick who has sweet can and bombs? Now you’re both drunk in a hot tub and she started tugging at your readily apparent bathing suit stick, but then your girlfriend shows up out of nowhere and goes apeshit, ripping at Tina’s extensions and fucking her all up good and bloody. People will scream, someone will say, “Oh, my God! Call the police!” and you’re like, “Baby, I’m sorry!” She’s all, “Fuck you, Danny, you piece of shit!” Then you have to have a fucking fight about it until 7 a.m. and you stick it out with her for the rest of the summer but shit is never the same and your summer eats it. Then you break up anyway.

But, if you think she’s the one, enjoy all your picnics and trips to her parents’ house and that kind of garbage you’re going to have to do while everyone else collects three months of amazing stories you missed out on. That’s cool. Just remember to have fun and that your friends probably don’t miss you at all.

8. Ice

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Always have plenty of it.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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