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The Fucking Dentist, Man

The Fucking Dentist, Man

My left leg is continuously bouncing up and down while my sweaty palm grips the mouse. My hands too shaky to hold the mouse, I let go and throw it forward out of frustration. I take a sip of my water and close my eyes to calm my nerves. I imagine myself in the captain’s chair of the pontoon, gliding across Lake Anna without a care in the world. I soon wake from my nirvana to a new email notification on my computer. This is it, this is what I’ve been dreading. This is the moment my life ends. Reality sets in.

We are looking forward to your appointment today at 12:00 p.m.! Any questions? Give us a call. See you soon! – FakeName Dental Care

Ah, the dentist. The forsaken dungeon that our parents forced us to go to growing up while never really going themselves. The deep dark secret evil that our parents hid from us for 18 years. Hell on earth filled with talkative hygienists, sharp metal tools, other victims, and the smell of rubber gloves. Here’s some things I would rather do than go to the dentist:

• Slam my balls shut in a car door.

• Hang out with Lena Dunham.

• Drop a cinderblock on my balls.

• Glues all my fingers and toes together.

• Have Zlatan Ibrahimovic kick me in the balls.

You get the point.

Sure, the dentist is good for you and is the main reason I still have all my teeth in good condition. Sure, the dentist can prevent a lot of serious health problems and teach me good dental hygiene. Sure, the dentist is probably a necessary aspect of life that we should all take advantage of. Sure, my insurance is paying for it, so it’s not even bad. But is it worth it?

Is it worth some loopy lady in her 60s telling you about her grandkids while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her asking you questions that require a sentence long answer even though she has your mouth pried open? Is it worth listening to her talk about how she doesn’t understand why no one will date her daughter while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her talking about her most recent (and fourth) divorce while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her telling you, “Your gums are swollen! Better job flossing okay?” while she continues to stab you in your already bleeding gums? I argue that no, it is not worth it.

I went six years in a row without stepping into a dentist’s office. When I finally returned I had zero cavities, zero issues, and my teeth looked “great” according to my crazy hygienist. So my argument is, do we really need the dentist? Is the dentist just a giant scam to pull hundreds of dollars from us when in reality we can take care of our teeth just fine on our own? I need to hear what Alex Jones has to say about this.

Not to mention the pain and torture, but can we talk about how awkward the dentist is? It’s quieter than most doctor’s offices and often has an open floor plan. That means you can hear everything going on, including the receptionist argue with insurance companies on the phone. Your hygienist will always give you this creepy admiring look, but she’s not excited to see you. She just wants to crank your mouth open and get to work because it’s her “passion.” Then come all the awkward life questions, all the passive aggressive digs at your flossing habits, and all the forced laughter (at least from your end). The dentist doesn’t even see you until the very end, and that interaction is nothing but smug “haha I am a dentist and you are inferior” talk that sounds like a rehearsed sales pitch. I don’t know about you, but I think the dentist is overrated.

I picked up my phone and dialed those ten dreaded digits.

“Hi, my name’s Delph and I have an appointment later on. Yeah, I need to cancel.”

Image via Shutterstock

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Dale Fuh

Just a big dude from Virginia that loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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