Over the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that I’m basically the LeBron James of canceling plans. The only scientific data that I have to back this up is my text message history full of friends asking me how to bail on their bumble dates. So far, every time I’ve dished out some advice, I’ve changed my game and they’ve told me it was so much better than anything they could come up with. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that I’m a subject matter expert in this field.
Lucky for everyone else, I am a benevolent leader and have decided to take the time to share this knowledge with the world. Since we’ve apparently turned into a society where nobody likes to actually go out and do things, it only makes sense to have a one-stop shop for the best ways to get out of your plans for the night, hell, even weekend. So when you’re trying to get out of Easter brunch with your awkward sister-in-law, give one of these a ride and let me know how it works out.
I know what you’re thinking. That’s fucking gross, I don’t want them to picture me like that, etc. I’ll be honest, this isn’t something you should use if you’re canceling on someone you’ve seen a few times and want to continue seeing. But if you’re trying to get out of a first bumble date because you drunkenly agreed to it or they said something that was low key racist, what’s the point? It probably wasn’t meant to be anyway, so why not have some fun with it? In addition, if they ask how bad it is, all you have to say are four words:
“Fire hydrant, both ends.”
As made famous by Portlandia (gotta give credit where credit’s due), this is actually the perfect excuse. I don’t know about you, but whenever someone tells me that there was a family emergency, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I’m going to ask what went wrong. Not right away at least. If anything, the appropriate response is something to the effect of, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. You’re totally fine, let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
This one’s nice because if you want to see them again, you always can. The only problem is that you can’t use it on, you know, your actual family.
Something So Obscure That It Can’t Be Made Up
This is a risky one because it’s best to be done over the phone. Picture this: you’re supposed to go on a date with someone later that night. All the sudden, your phone rings. “Who could that be?” you think, only to see it’s the person you’re supposed to meet up with later. You answer, under the impression that they’re just confirming that you’re meeting at Federales at 7:15, only to hear this.
“HI, YES, HI, OH MY GOD, I’M SO SORRY. This is going to sound insane, but my landlord just decided to—SHUT THE FUCK UP, RACHEL, I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE WORD INFESTATION MEANS—look, I need to cancel tonight. I’ll let you know next time I’m able to meet up.”
I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but I know I no longer want to go on a date with that person in the immediate future.
You Had Other Plans
This one’s a classic slow-fade move. This is best for when you’ve already been on one or two dates with someone and it’s not working out. By telling them that you forgot to check your calendar and that your best friend from college is in town, this opens up the door to “Reschedule Limbo.” They request a date. You counter. They counter, and come up with another date. You counter again. The effort slowly becomes less and less worth it, and you no longer have to commit.
Good luck, friends. Have fun canceling. .
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