First dates. Nothing strikes anxiety into the hearts of single sober people like the prospect of a first date. They’re basically high-pressure interviews solely designed to determine if someone you find attractive wants to see you again. The first date kiss is the punctuation mark on these dreaded events and therefore far too much thought is put in, they’re forced, and if it’s an awkward enough moment it could kill things before they begin.
Now, I’d be a hypocrite if I knocked people for hooking up on the first date. I’ve had a relationship start that way and it lasted a full year and probably would have lasted longer had the situation allowed. The logic behind that is basically why buy a car before taking it for a test drive? Just try not to crash it within ten seconds. However, I’d say most of the people who are looking for something serious would rather save the physical aspect for the second or third date, or even later, which is probably preferable in most circumstances. This puts all the pressure on the first date kiss.
The first date kiss, generally, should be obligatory if the date goes well. I’m going to catch heat these days for saying a kiss is obligatory but tough luck, buttercup. Why the hell are you on a date if you’re not going to give the most obvious sign of interest when things are going well? It’s the only real way someone can walk away from a date with full confidence that it went well. If I don’t get a first date kiss, I assume she’s not interested, although, I’ve experienced a couple of exceptions. If you don’t like the pressure of the dreaded first date kiss, it’s better to sneak it in in the middle of the date than in a high-pressure situation at the end of the date. This also goes for women who like to make the first move, I’m not just focusing on the guys being dudes here.
Moving on to the actual kissing act, the natural instinct, especially if there was alcohol involved, is to go for the high school-style backseat make out session kiss. Slobbering all over each others’ faces and tongue punching each other’s uvula like a speed bag. And if the other person goes in for a more conservative kiss, you end up engulfing his or her mouth and you look like you’re trying to eat his or her face, at which point you’d probably prefer death to the humiliation. It’s not a good look, and it’s not date-worthy. It’s one-night stand behavior. And if the other person isn’t complicit, it’ll kill the mood and probably the date.
On the flip side, going in too conservative is equally off-putting. You know what I mean. The her-dad-is-watching-with-a-shotgun lip peck. The fifty years of marriage old people kiss. The “I’ll bet you fifty bucks you won’t kiss your best friend” kiss. Nothing seems more forced and less attractive than this kiss. It doesn’t solve the underlying issues that are solved by the first date kiss, so what’s the point? Go for broke.
The ideal first date kiss is pretty simple. No tongue, no pursed lips. Just do a simple in-between. Any variation of your upper lip over their lower lip and don’t suck on it too hard like you’re at the bottom of a milkshake trying to suck the cherry through the straw. It’s not overly aggressive and it’s not overly distant. If you’re going to take the chance and put yourself out there it might as well be worth it. If not, you’ll have plenty of time to go out afterward and drink off the shame, which is my post-date specialty. .