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The Fat Man’s Guide To Hooking Up

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It’s the age old dilemma. Do I want to eat a ton of delicious food, be lazy, and have a terrible sex life, OR do I want to exercise, eat healthy, and have a great sex life? The second option is the responsible option, but the first option is so damn convenient. The trap of getting out of shape is an easy one to fall into. Life is about sacrifices, but just because you’ve turned into a blob, it doesn’t mean your days of hooking up are over. In fact, I think they’re just getting better.

Be Funny, But Not Too Funny

Humor is the fat man’s ultimate weapon. It’s what sets us apart from the pack. Show me a husky fella with no sense of humor and I’ll show you a guy with no friends, a shitty job, and even shittier life. No one likes a grumpy, shy, or timid fat guy. When I say “be funny,” by all means, this does not mean “tell jokes.” Being funny means being outgoing and having the ability to interact with other human beings in a non-awkward, sympathetic manner. Confidence is key, but don’t go overboard. Be the center of attention, but don’t stand out.

You Can’t Have Standards

Hate to break it to you, but when it comes to hooking up, you’re not allowed to have standards anymore. When it comes to dating? Absolutely have standards. If you’re out on the town just looking for some trim, you don’t get to have the luxury of standards. I’m not saying you have to sleep with any woman who you lock eyes with at the bar. What I am saying is that you have to start at the bottom of the barrel and work your way up from there. Can’t bring yourself to hit on the snaggletooth in the corner? Sucks for you, she would’ve gone home with you after one drink. The sea monster tagging along with that bachelorette party? She shaved down below, just for tonight. Part of hooking up is lowering your standards and settling. It’s still sex even if your eyes are closed.

Stay In At Least Below Average Shape

If you’re out of shape, you have no libido. No vigor. No lust for bedding the strange. Work out once a week. Walk on the treadmill for five minutes, intermittently lift weights for 20 minutes, and then hit the showers. Remaining somewhat active should be enough to keep you in decent enough shape so that your joint doesn’t deflate like an old balloon animal just five minutes into the missionary position. Yeah, it “happens to a lot of guys,” but there’s nothing more frustrating than your once throbbing unit becoming flaccid during sex with a random. At least you’ll never have to talk to her again.

Coordination (Wedding Dancing)

Dancing was once an ancient mating ritual. Look it up. The Aztecs would put on Phil Collins’ Greatest Hits and the finest dancer would then be wed to the most beautiful woman in the tribe. You never know when you’re going to have to bust out the robot or running man. The perfect execution of a dance move has led to several million sexual encounters for men of all shapes and sizes throughout history.

Dress Like You Make More Money Than You Really Do

Twice a year, save up enough money to go on a shopping spree that doesn’t involve Stein Mart, Marshalls, or T.J. Maxx. Do you know how much you can buy with $500 at an outlet mall? You could go in there with a few Benjamins and walk out of there looking like a Saudi oil prince. Dressing like you might actually make more than $40k a year before you turn 30 can do you wonders in the hookup game. It’s not just postgrads out there looking to mate. There are hairstylists, waitresses, and other hourly workers looking to cash in with a sugar daddy. Looking like you drive a Maserati and actually owning a Maserati are two different things, but you didn’t drive tonight, so who will even know the difference?

Be Great In Bed

Master the art of training yourself into becoming a passionate, generous lover. Women talk. Word gets out. Your reputation will precede you, and women will want you before they’ve ever seen you. It’s all about planting those seeds–not prematurely spreading those seeds.

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