Well, the day has finally arrived. A day where you can be whatever you want, with few repercussions. This is the day–nay, the exact witching hour–where we separate the ladies into three categories: the sexy (skinny betches), the cute and basic (clinging onto their last remaining shreds of dignity), and, of course, the FuBus (funny but ugly). As you can imagine, I fall into the latter category. I mean, my life motto is “If you can’t be pretty, be funny.” But let’s be honest, this wasn’t always the case. Halloween, like most things in our life, has developed as we have. I don’t think that at seven years old, our future Halloween aspirations included a “sexy Ebola” costume, but I can’t say for certain. Hey, every neighborhood has that weirdly clingy and always naked girl; this development wouldn’t exactly be shocking. Let’s take a look:
Cute And Overstuffed
Good ol’ Mom and Pop thought this was the perfect opportunity to dress you up as a pumpkin or some other piece of produce and stuff you with pillows and such. I, myself, was a pumpkin, but being the youngest, most neglected child of three, comfort was not a part of the plan. My (saint of a) mother decided to stuff my costume with leaves. Yes, leaves. Whatever, I guess it worked, right? Anyway, this is just par for the course if you had parents who told you to run to the store for another pack of cigarettes on a regular basis–you were probably paraded around as some fat little munchkin and then had your candy confiscated by your drunk dad. #PGP
Cliché Youth Costume
Some of the most common include witch, ninja (if you’re gender fluid), or princess costumes. This is probably the result of a classic, last-minute slip up by your mom or dad. Your parents probably bought your costume at CVS and it DEFINITELY had at least three toxic ingredients in the fabric; that’s why you have that twitchy eye now. But wait, maybe you demanded more–you demanded better from your parents and from yourself. In this case, you were probably something relevant to your life. Like, duh, Mom, I don’t know anything about witches. But yes, I DO know about “The Babysitter’s Club.” Cue the scrunchies. I’m pretty fucking embarrassed to admit this, but I was once a cheerleader, complete with a pleated skirt and pom-poms. The worst part? MY NAME was on the front of my chest. GO ME! Thanks, Grandma. The guys out there were all ninja turtles, power rangers, or Mortal Kombat characters at one point or another. Bonus points if your grandma made the costumes like mine did.
I mean, this probably occurred around the time Mom was burying two to three boxes of wine per week en route to a mental breakdown in the mid-to-late ’90s. It’s the least effort your parents had ever put into helping you prepare for Halloween: “Just put your damn shinguards on and tuck in your shirt!”
If you were one of the emo kids (“scummies,” as my high school called them) you didn’t even have to change your usual garb. Some black mascara spread at least a centimeter below your lash line and an excessive amount of hair gel–not spray–in your defiantly unwashed hair. AKA Avril Levigne. If you didn’t want to go that hard in the paint, maybe you were trying to be “sassy” and dressed up as a friend or, like, Regina George after Cady cut holes in her tank top. This was as close as your mom would let you get to showing your nipples to every senior boy. Don’t worry, that’ll come later.
Sexy College Costume
If you were lucky enough not to gain the freshman 45–I mean 15–you probably took advantage of this opportunity, away from your mother’s judging eyes, to let out your boobies. Time to go fishing, girls. DUMP ‘EM OUT! I hid behind an iota of respect and dressed as Jasmine (for the second time in my life) and pretended I was being culturally respectful by blacking out and belly dancing on a coffee table my freshman year. Fun fact: I can’t belly dance and I went home alone. Maybe you’re a Victoria’s Secret angel or a sexy cop or some shit. Most likely, you’re one of an entire precinct of sexy cops. Who cares, literally not one dude is going to remember. They ARE going to remember that sliver of nip that emerges when you’re bent over in the bushes yakking.
Pop Culture/Punny College Costume
Whether it’s Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” (I swear I’m not a skank, but look at my butt cheeks!) or a Spice Girl or Brittany circa “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” you definitely shied away from the lingerie in favor of something slightly more “esteemed.” Perhaps you were something funny like a “ceiling fan” or a “cereal killer.” Whatever you chose, it was slightly more culturally relevant and offered significantly more coverage than before. You can pretend you raised your standards, but really you just got fat. It’s around this time I realized it was time to be funny. My last two years of college, I was Ace Ventura and Veronica Corningstone, white jumpsuit and all. My nip slips could no longer compensate for my Natty Light thighs–it was time to move on.
Ironic Cat Ears Or Nothing
You’re out of college, life sucks, and you hate everyone. This is the closest you’ve been to your former self since the scummie period. If you’re lucky, you manage to find a pair of cat ears. Jaded. That’s what you are. Maybe next year I’ll dress up in all green and just say I’m that when people ask. That’s punny. And incredibly sad. I’d do it this year except, once again, I’m wearing a tutu, combat boots and shorts while I write this at my desk. I’m on my third year as Ace. Jaded is an understatement..
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