It’s early on a Monday morning, and the sun is still not yet high enough in the sky for the birds outside to peak out of their nests, because they have more sense than that. It isn’t too early for you though. You’ve been awake for two hours and downed enough caffeine-laced liquids to make Charlie Sheen on a coke bender uncomfortable. It isn’t the high-pressure world of Wall Street. No, it’s just a normal sales job, and this is your average day…
6:00 AM: You wake up and probably curse whatever deity you do or do not believe in. “Wake up” is an exaggeration though, because your brain won’t be functional for another 50 minutes at least.
6:30 AM: Somehow you showered, made coffee and got dressed without burning yourself, setting the house on fire or strangling yourself accidentally with your incredibly badly patterned neck tie. It’s the small victories that count, and making it to the car in the morning without destroying your house definitely counts.
7:30 AM: You arrive at the office after your commute. Your boss berates you for being in the office after the sun has breached the horizon and cast actual light across the world. You begin to wonder if he’s a vampire with a really great fake tan. Can vampires live solely on money?
8:00 AM-10:00 AM: You get on the phones and set up client appointments. Or at least you pretend to. In reality, you call your friends, family, dog, doctors, professors and bill collectors to catch up and shoot the shit. You don’t actually book any appointments, but you feel accomplished anyway. Your boss broods angrily in his office over low sales numbers.
10:00 AM-12:00 PM: Company meeting. Your boss recites his shitty version of Alec Baldwin’s speech from Glengarry Glen Ross for the 400th time and commits several HR violations in the process. Pam from accounting is crying. She doesn’t even have leads to call, but no one stops him, because he’s on a roll.
12:00 PM-1:00 PM: Lunch. Thank God…
…just kidding. Lunch is for people who work jobs not based on commission. You eat leftovers at your desk and plot ways to get out of work long enough to get real food. You decide against it because you’ve been sick, had a broken down car, or a doctor’s appointment twice a week for the last 6 months. The boss seems suspicious. He continues to brood angrily in his office about low sales numbers.
1:00 PM-3:00 PM: You actually get some work done and book some clients. You celebrate by spending half an hour installing Spotify and setting up an awesome playlist to jam out to while making cold calls. Your boss walks by and berates you because your music choices aren’t conducive to “office synergy” and tells you to get back on the phones. You stew angrily at your desk about having to fix the damn low sales numbers.
3:00 PM-6:00 PM: Social media break. You once again to pretend to make calls while you are really just sitting at your desk with a phone to your ear while you update Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, LinkedIn and Myspace. Anything to avoid getting on the phone. Once an hour, you talk to a lead to make it sound sincere, so you book another few appointments and talk to a few people who don’t so much as hear the first syllable before hanging up on you.
6:00 PM-7:00 PM: You realize you’re woefully under-booked and book eight appointments in one hour. You decide to call it an early night.
7:10 PM: The boss sends you back to your desk, complimenting you on your efficiency and asking you to book a few appointments for a struggling coworker. It becomes difficult to suppress the urge not to quit on the spot with a rousing speech for the ages. Sadly, you have to decide rent money is more important.
7:10 PM-9:00 PM: You don’t touch the phone and book zero appointments. Your lazy co-worker thinks you’re a dick for not helping them book up. You don’t care. You spend your time applying to other jobs and buying Candy Crush levels. Your boss checks in to let you know he’s headed home. After a solid 10-minute leeway, you sneak out of the office with the kind of stealth prowess only seen in video games and ninja films.
On a Field Day
9:00 AM-4:00 PM: You go to four of your appointments, see two people, sell one, and hit happy hour at 4 PM.
4:00 PM: The plan is to proceed “missing” and “forgetting” to return your bosses calls until you go home and get some sleep. Most likely another excuse will be needed here, but that depends on the day and the number of fucks given. On to the next booking day, and more of your boss quoting classic sales movies to “motivate” the staff.
At the end of the day, you get some food and some sleep before you do it all again. At least until you get tired and decide to move on for greener pastures, preferably with an epic “I quit” speech.