Sit back and grab yourself a coffee, I’m going to tell you a story about a girl who did something really stupid, but admittedly hilarious, at Seattle Pride last year.
Our heroine was alone at the bar, waiting for her crew of scantily clad twinks to come usher her to the street dance where she would inevitably end up with handfuls of glow sticks and neon condoms and spend the evening jumping to Sam Smith and Ariana Grande remixes. She had pulled out cash and left her debit card at home, thinking it would assist her in not spending her entire paycheck in one evening. She was sitting at the bar waiting, sipping on her second gin and tonic, feeling very responsible and a little buzzed thanks to the two shots she had done at home before Ubering to where the festivities were taking place.
Flash-forward to forty minutes and five drinks later, and our heroine has exchanged her $120 to all ones and is standing on the hood of the car making it rain on the gay men twirling beneath her. She is sort of dancing, sort of just trying to not fall, but is LOVING throwing these Washingtons into the streets on top of ripped dudes in Speedos. Thankfully, one kind soul helped her into a cab, and she had been juuuuuust sober enough to save two twenties for her cab fair. She woke up the next morning surrounded by tortilla chips and orange chicken.
Not sure who that mess was, but as fun as it was, I’m absolutely sure that was not a great way to spend $120.
We do a lot of stupid things when we’re drunk. We cry, we pick petty fights, we lose or break our $700 iPhones. But I think one of the main things we constantly kick ourselves for after a night of “I shouldn’t have drank that much” moments is the ridiculous things we spend money on.
Doesn’t matter that you have a fridge full of things and a pantry stocked with snacks. The logic of just cooking a pizza from your freezer and not ordering Seamless for the third night this week is out the window; it left with that last Fireball shot. Something in your belligerent mind just needs to order $40 worth of pizza and wings and eat it caveman-style over the sink. That is, of course, if you even stay awake long enough for the delivery man to actually make it. Too many pizzas have been lost because your drunk ass passed out and didn’t hear Damon from Eat24 calling you over and over again. It was already dumb to order in the first place, it’s even dumber when you get charged and don’t even get that food.
Absurdly Generous Tips
To a certain extent I think this is karma hitting the waitress or bartender back for having to deal with you in your unintelligible state, but it really sucks when you see you left Derick $60 on a $20 tab because you thought he was hot. You were planning on using that for your hangover brunch, and now, you’re SOL. You are not Johnny Depp and cannot afford to be handing out three figure tips just because in the middle of your blackout you were convinced that by looking like a high roller, Amanda will actually text you. It will not, and you will be broke until next payday.
I am thoroughly convinced that no one who has ever purchased bottle service would be able to blow under a .16 at the same time. Something about being wasted city — population one, just makes your inner party goblin shout, “See all of that top shelf!? All of that could be yours! Buy it!” Suddenly, where there once stood a responsible, tax-paying, vitamin-taking adult there is a monster who is buying shots for the entire bar rail. You’ve paid $80 for a bottle of Patron with a sparkler in it, and dammit, you’re going to pour it into strangers mouths MTV-style because you CAN. And may God have mercy on your shit-faced soul should you be unlucky enough to stumble into a liquor store with no judgment and a credit card. That’s you just begging to wake up with dry mouth, a hangover, and $200+ worth of wine you can’t even pronounce.
Cabs and Uber
Don’t take this as me condoning drinking and driving because I’m absolutely not saying that. I’m saying you easily could have walked the three blocks to your apartment and not spent the $10 because it was surging 2.1x, and you Ubered anyway. Sure, it only seems like $10. But you do that four times in two days, and all of a sudden you have spent the equivalent of your electric bill for the month. What’s even more embarrassing is when you look at the map Uber gives you on your receipt and you see that you literally made him go around the block. Yeah, he’s absolutely putting you on the Uber Driver Confessions tumblr, and you absolutely deserve it.
Have you ever gotten the notification from your apartment manager that a package was delivered to you, but you were not expecting anything? Or maybe you’ve come home to something from FedEx perched by your door and you think they’ve mis-delivered, but sure enough, there’s your name below and unfamiliar return address? You, my friend, have fallen victim to blackout online shopping. This is how one of my guy friends ended up the proud, proud owner of a crown thumb ring. It’s now known as “the douchebag ring,” and we pass it along to whoever is being a dick that night. A great joke? 100 percent. A great use of $25. Negative, ghost rider.
Another friend of mine bought a breathalyzer. I think her subconscious may have been projecting something on that one..
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