The Dictionary For Corporate Douches

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The Dictionary For Corporate Douches

In case you haven’t noticed during every second of every day while confined in the cubes of corporate hell, business people are obsessed with sounding more intelligent than they actually are. That’s the whole “art” of business really: convincing a bunch of overconfident halfwits who think they’re experts in a certain field that you, in fact, are God, and thus know more than they do. Do I suggest eventually getting to the point where you speak more in acronyms than in English? Yes. But you’ve got to start with the basics. So please, allow me.

Phrase: Evangelize
In a sentence: “Open your goddamn eyes, Fran! We have to evangelize this opportunity!”

This term is perfect for say, a giant Midwestern conglomerate in an industry that makes tax accounting look like Wall Street after hours. Chances are they model their corporate retreats after the movie Jesus Camp, and the majority of their employees can be described as white bread, vanilla, “BUT I’M SO NOT RACIST” sheep.

Phrase: Low hanging fruit
In a sentence: “Busting with Bruce in Accounting is low-hanging fruit. Champ put on 30 pounds in Q1 alone!”

Dropping this metaphor with anyone above director level is a surefire way to make your “don’t fuck with me” factor skyrockets – meaning your “you want to fuck me” factor increases as well. And no, you perverted, ignorant slugs, this doesn’t have any connection whatsoever to low hanging balls.

Phrase: Take offline
In a sentence:
Mary- We need to discuss the details of the contract.
Bob- Mary, let’s take this offline.

The professional equivalent of “shut the fuck up,” taking something “offline” is ideal for conference calls, weekly updates and other meaningless meetings your boss holds to compensate for his unimpressive dick size. When not overused, it strikes the perfect balance of mystery, dominance assertion, and a tiny pinch of sexual innuendo.

Phrase: Boil the ocean
In a sentence: “Strippers and illegal drugs at the holiday party? Herb, buddy, you’re really boiling the ocean here. Pick one.”

If a member of the corporate pantheon suggests you are trying to “boil the ocean,” it means you’re falling on the wrong side of the “I’m ambitious and driven!” – “I’m unrealistic and stupid!” divide. Famed members of the Ocean Boiling Hall of Fame include Shark Tank crash and burners, overzealous management consultants, and sub-par computer engineers attempting to “revolutionize the mobile app industry” while working on their associate’s degree from ITT Tech.

Phrase: Drink the kool-aid
In a sentence: “Listen Marty, I don’t care who you have to fuck, fire, kill, kidnap, scam, skin, or falsely accuse – I want the client drinking our kool-aid by EOD.”

Remember that dipshit during orientation who rattled off all your company’s CEOs dating back to 1870 and practically had the company’s mission statement tattooed on his ass? Yeah, he was drinking the kool-aid. The only thing worse than actually being this allegiance-pledging robot is using the phrase and not knowing where it originated. (HINT: It had something to do with a crazed cult leader who ordered his flock to commit suicide by drinking grape-flavored Kool-Aid laced with potassium cyanide.) Refreshing, right?

Phrase: Triangulate
In a sentence: “The 80/20 bullshit to fact ratio on this memo is perfect. I’ll triangulate with Christy in Marketing to get the official go-ahead.”

Haha, threesome.

Image via Shutterstock

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