The Degenerate’s Guide To Dipping In The Workplace

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The first job I ever had was working as a “law clerk” for a sleazy attorney. Why do I call him sleazy? Because he hired foolish undergrads like me at the time, taught us to do legal research like a law clerk, and paid us $10 an hour instead of hiring law clerks from law school and paying them $40 an hour for the same exact work. Smart, I know. I didn’t like the guy very much, but he did introduce me to an incredibly valuable tool: dipping in the office.

For those of you who don’t know (read: carpetbagger Yankees) dip is mouth tobacco. I started dipping while working for that lawyer and over the years, I have become moderately productive while using it during work hours.

It has many benefits. It wakes you up, keeps you focused, decreases your appetite, and is relatively concealable, at least when compared to cigarettes. Some people claim that it causes cancer and ruins your gums, but those people are haters and you should never listen to haters (kidding, sort of). But since I’ve moved from the South to New York and many of the people I work with think dipping is weird, I have been forced to come to terms with my usage.

It’s common knowledge that a nice fat lip of Grizz makes you more productive, but is it feasible in the office? Hell yes it is.

Before I go on, here is my lawyerly disclaimer that you should follow all applicable tobacco-related rules in your workplace, blah, blah, blah.

1. Consider Your Audience

Despite the smokeless-ness of dip, if someone sees you dipping at work, he or she may look at you as if you just lit up a cigarette indoors. If your office is a bunch of former baseball players, you should be fine, but I would venture to guess that this doesn’t happen too often. The best situation is if you have an office with a door for maximum privacy. Cubicles can work, too, but it depends on who your cubicle-mates are. I once worked in a courthouse where a couple lawyers would join the guys in my cubicle area to throw in a power-lip after lunch to push through the afternoon grogginess.

2. Dipping Unfortunately Has A Glass Ceiling

Dipping is a traditionally male vice. I know exactly one girl who dips and she does so only when sloshed. From my experience, most girls think it is gross, so do it privately if you work in an office full of women. If you are a lady and you want to pack a nice lip, more power to you, but you may want to make sure you do it in private until it becomes more socially acceptable. (It probably won’t, though.)

3. Stick With Pouches

This one is pretty simple. Pouches require less cleanup and you don’t run the risk of leaving fibers of tobacco between your teeth if you suddenly have to run out and meet a client. Unless your client works for Philip Morris, is a pro baseball player, or is a manual laborer, he or she probably won’t be impressed if your mouth looks like you just spat out a wad (phrasing, BOOM). A nice post-lunch pinch might get you feeling good, and pouches will ensure that the cute ladies in the office don’t spy any nasty shit left in your teeth when you go for your daily 2:30 p.m. walk past HR or recruiting.

4. Use It Sparingly

Just like with coffee and Adderall, you don’t want to develop too much of a tolerance too soon. Throw in a lip only when you need it: after that Chipotle burrito starts to make your eyes fall or when Rhonda brings in Dunkin’ Donuts and you’re dangerously close to devouring that delicious Boston Kreme disc of diabetes.

These guidelines should serve you well should you feel the need for a pick-me-up that doesn’t turn your insides into slush. Your best bet, of course, is to wait and see if your boss dips and has offered you a pinch before. Sadly, I don’t work in a law firm anymore where the partners all use chewing tobacco, so now I have to keep my favorite vice between my lower lip and me.

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