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The Definitive Ranking Of Office Chairs

At our age, we spend about a quarter of our life at work. While that statistic shocks and horrifies all the new graduates and is sadly accepted by everyone else, I’m not here to bitch about that. What I am here to bitch about is that most of that time is spent in a cheap office chair that was passed down from fat ass to fat ass until its springs sag and one wheel falls off. That might be the standard, but there are many other desk chair options, and none of them were created equal. Here they are, ranked for your pleasure.

7. No chair (standing desk)

Ham

Everyone who’s flexing their typing muscles and preparing to comment about the benefits of standing vs. sitting all day can shut the fuck up. I spent the last year of my life working labor jobs and I can’t tell you how excited I am to sit on my ass all fucking day for the rest of my life. Sure, standing desks are better for your circulation and overall health, but at what cost? Burning calves? Sore feet? Everyone in the office thinking you’re a douchebag? No. Standing is for peasants, I will sit like a king.

6. A yoga ball

This may be the only option more insufferable than a standing desk. You get all the douchey smugness of the standing guy, but everyone still thinks you’re a lazy sack for sitting on a ball. If you want to work your core, go do some planks like everyone else. Bouncing around like a four year old one on of those Moon Hoppers isn’t going to magically give you a six-pack; it’ll just make everyone hate you. The only reason I don’t have it in last place is that there’s a good chance at some point you’ll eat it and bruise your tailbone, and the laughter that follows is good for office morale.

5. The box your chair came in

As lazy as lazy gets.

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Closing deals is a 24/7 job, baby, and no one has time to unpack and put together a chair when you’re slinging emails and making calls. I mean, realistically, you definitely have time, but I respect your commitment to pretending to be busy. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – most of making it in your career is acting busy, regardless of how hard you’re actually working. Sitting on a cardboard box containing a chair just screams, “I’m too busy worrying about the bottom line to spend five minutes with a wrench.” Or maybe, “I’m too lazy to put together a fucking chair.” I’m not sure.

4. Mesh Task Chair

Chair

If your office gives you this, they hate you. But don’t worry, they hate everyone. That’s why they bought 400 of these for the bulk price of $99.00 and gave them to every employee not important enough to warrant an office. The lack of lumbar support hurts my back just from looking at it, and you already know the height adjusting lever is stuck in a position that’s either too high or too low. If you decide you’re tired of your feet swinging above the ground like a kid on a stool and want to lower it, the lever will break, and you will be forced to sit with your knees above your chest for the rest of your career. Keep this one in the box and sit on that instead.

3. Realspace Harrington II Highback Chair

Chair

Just read the name of this puppy and tell me you wouldn’t feel more important sitting in it. It’s got numerals in the name, for god’s sake. “Harrington II” is the last name of a guy who would bully the shit out of you in prep school, and you’d be a better person for it. Look at that faux leather (even on the armrests!) That just screams “middle management with an office view of the parking lot.” At only $199.99, this baby is a steal. They say dress for the job you want, and I say once you wheel this bitch into your cube, you’ll get a promotion within 48 hours.

2. Meelano Italian Leather

Chair

I’ve got two words for you. Italian. Leather. Is this chair comfortable? Fuck no, but then again neither is being the VP of a company. You have to make all the decisions, knowing full well that if you fuck up, it’s your head on the chopping block. Hell, even if the CEO fucks up, it’s your head on the chopping block. Live fast, and die in a beautiful desk chair. That’s the American dream. Hell, this thing even looks fast. Obviously hotshot VPs of Business Development don’t have wheelie chair races down their carpet-lined hallways, but if they did, you just know this thing would smoke the competition.

1. RFM 22011Verte Ergonomic Chair

RFM-22011-6

While VPs might be all about style and speed, CEOs are all about comfort. You don’t get to be the head boss without having a certain gravitas about you and that gravitas needs a comfy-ass chair to sit in. Just fucking look at this thing. If the last chair was a Ferrari, this is a motherfucking Rolls Royce. I can count eleven different adjustable lumbar supports on the back of this thing and a headrest. This chair looks like it could be mounted in a space shuttle for take off. It could be used by a chiropractor to adjust your back if need be. This chair is for one thing, and one thing only: fuckin’. If you buy this thing, you’re not only telling the world you can drop $1,400 on a chair, you’re putting all the secretaries and interns in your company on blast. Someone is going to be ergonomically pounded on this sex throne, and it will likely end in a lawsuit and possible termination. But that’s okay with you, because you’ve got old money and a house in the Hamptons to retire to, baby.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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