You’ve just started your first job, and you realize that the grey walls of your cubicle are a little depressing. Fear not – here are some rock-solid tips to give your workspace the charm that’ll make it feel just like home.
Back in the college glory days, your dorm room was all decked out with your favorite posters – Fight Club, Bob Marley, Game of Thrones, or maybe one of those Obama posters if you were a political science major. But now you’re an adult with an apartment, or maybe even a house if you live in middle America/Baltimore. Your girlfriend doesn’t approve of those posters, so you buy some fancy maps in frames at an overpriced outdoor market. That doesn’t mean that you need to throw out the posters. Plop one on the part of the wall your boss doesn’t see every time she walks past your cubicle. Put up one of those cat posters that says “hang in there” or something equally pointless. You’re an individual!
BONUS POINTS: A flat screen tv. You need it for keeping up to date on CNN/CNBC/CSPAN! Also, the World Cup, March Madness, and the showcase showdown. It’s work-related – you’ve got a lot of money riding on those games.
2. Family photos
You’re a family man. Or you want to show off the dime you took home from Tinder the other day. Either way, family photos show that you’re not just in this for yourself. Other people look up to you, rely on you, expect you to pay for dinner dates, and you need a hefty end-of-year bonus to keep them all happy.
BONUS POINTS: Photos of someone else’s family members – your boss’s college-age daughter, the other associate’s little sister, James from accounting’s grandfather, Lisa Ann.
3. Living shit
Nothing spruces up a cubicle more tastefully than one of those bamboo plants you can keep in a vase. It’ll show everyone that you’re Environmentally Conscious™ and let Jill from communications that you have a nurturing side. Despite the lights that nobody ever turns off, your plant will inevitably wither and rot in its water, providing a depressing preview of your career. You won’t notice – you’re too busy reading email.
BONUS POINTS: A weed plant. You’ve got a rebellious side, and you’re not afraid to show it. And hey – it’s legal now in some states! This might not get you invited to a lot of happy hours, but it’ll certainly lead to covert requests for a “hookup” or immediately disciplinary action. It could go either way.
This one starts innocently enough. You get the munchies in the late afternoon (see above), and you bring in some peanuts to tide you over until happy hour. It’ll cut down on your trips to the vending machine for baked cardboard dumped in salt, oil, and artificial flavors and save money at the same time. But next thing you know, you’ve got a loaf of bread in there, some peanut butter and jelly, and a box of cereal. And then you get ants.
BONUS POINTS: You have more food stashed away behind your computer monitor than you do in your house. You spend more time here, anyway.
The office of the past is dead, and your employers are desperate to show you how cool and hip they are. There’s beer in the fridge and/or water cooler. Fuck that. Why drink with your coworkers when you can sip whiskey from your coffee mug while crying over your keyboard? That’s how they do it on Mad Men.
BONUS POINTS: Keep your mouthwash in the same place as your liquor in case you run out of one or the other. If anyone asks, say that your dentist recommends it and then launch into a long story about your upcoming root canal or how your father abandoned you as a child. .
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