Pizza is a very sacred thing. It can be enjoyed in many different ways at many different times in many different places by many different people. Because all these people around the world all lay claim to a love for pizza, a large door is opened for said people to argue over how they like their pizza. People argue over deep dish and thin crust, over which pizza chain is the best, and most importantly, whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
Pineapple is a magical fruit by itself. Throw it on a pizza? Game. Changer. I will gladly stand up for pineapple on pizza, and I will shit stomp anyone who tries to argue against it. If you don’t like pineapple on a pizza, then you’re probably a communist. It’s a flavor changer, a texture catalyst, and it makes your swimmers taste better. What kind of argument do you have against that?
I’m not just talking about the Hawaiian pizza. The majority of people hear pineapple on a pizza and immediately think Hawaiian. No. There are so many other mind blowing combinations out there. Some people love to combine pineapple with chicken and some veggie nerds get pineapple with green peppers. A lot of spicy aficionados vouch for the pineapple and jalapeno combo, and although I am not a huge spicy guy, this sweet and spicy combo is top notch.
I’m about to blow your mind now. Tonight I want you to go home, kick off your shoes, and call your favorite pizza place. When that guy asks what you want on your pizza, I want you to say the following words: “bacon and pineapple.” Your life will never be the same. After one bite you’ll fall harder than you did for that girl in the 11th grade who smiled at you in the hallway during your first day of high school. The cheese and bacon combination will rock your world, and once the pineapple juice hits you won’t be able to comprehend what’s going on in your mouth. The savory salty taste of bacon combined with the sweet burst of pineapple will make you question your entire life. The hot melted cheese just makes it even better. You may never order another pizza again once you have had bacon and pineapple together.
Let me make it clear: if you don’t like pineapple on your pizza, you are the worst kind of person. You probably have never tried sushi and only stick to missionary. You probably would never go bungee jumping and you may not even ride roller coasters. You’re the type to use hand sanitizer ten times a day and are scared to go to the beach because of sharks. I’m guessing that you have never walked up and thrown a one-liner at that cutie who keeps looking across the room at you. You probably have never had a quesarito from Chipotle or a grilled cheese-burger from Five Guys. Your mom probably tied your shoes until you were twelve and didn’t let you have sleepovers at your friend’s house. You probably don’t understand 85% of Twitter humor and you probably don’t appreciate a good gif.
Marco Polo did not travel thousands of miles through all kinds of shit all the way to the Orient just to discover the amazing invention that is pizza only for you to be a bitch and refuse to put pineapple on it. What if Marco Polo had been scared to try something new? We wouldn’t even have pizza! Look around you. We wouldn’t have any of these wonderful inventions or this amazing technology if people were boring and didn’t think outside the box. Think of all the people who dared to be different. Now think of you. You feel that shame? You feel that guilt? All because you don’t think pineapple belongs on a pizza? Your mother would be ashamed of you.
Grow a pair and put some pineapple on that pizza..
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