The Case For Cigarettes

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Cigarettes, as unpopular as they have become in recent years, have gotten a horribly bad rap. Back before “science” and “factual evidence” showed that cigarettes did real harm to the human body, people were sucking on Lucky’s, Marlboro’s, Camels…basically anything with tobacco that American’s could get their hands on, they were smoking it. You could smoke in hospitals, airplanes, movie theatres, and most importantly bars. I never got to experience what it was like to come from a bar just drenched head to toe in cigarette smoke. I imagine non-smokers had an entire closet full of clothing solely dedicated to hitting the bars because of the smell that lingered on their clothes. Can you imagine how much easier it would have been to talk to girls with a cigarette in your hand? That’s like fishing with dynamite. Not to mention the fact that most of the bars probably had a haze of smoke at all times, which adds allure, and can also be good if you’re not the most attractive person on the planet. Suave, sophisticated, debonair. Something about the phrase “Give me a bourbon, neat, and a pack of Lucky’s” that really puts out a carefree vibe.

High schools across this great nation of ours had designated rooms for kids to go rip heaters in between classes, and now we’ve got entire cities trying to ban smoking OUTDOORS. I’m not a smoker, but this isn’t Nazi Germany (although I don’t think even the Nazis would try to ban smoking outdoors).

The real issue is that policy makers and anti-smoking advocacy groups are letting cold hard facts get in the way of some good old-fashioned fun. People have forgotten how cool smoking makes you look. Give the biggest dork at a bar a lit cigarette to hold in his hand and he instantly becomes 50% cooler than he was beforehand.

Seeing some girl outside the bar smoking a cigarette? Mysterious as fuck. And also, pre-cum everywhere. That’s a girl that you can take home with no strings attached. Sure her voice is probably a little deeper and raspier than her non-smoking counterpart, but who cares? Look at this girl’s avi on Twitter.

Violently hot. If that doesn’t get your dick hard, then I don’t know what will.

Remember in the last scene of Grease when the All-American, white-picket fence, blonde haired goddess Olivia Newton-John goes off the reservation and starts wearing all black leather one-piece outfits and hangs out with Rizzo? I sure as hell do. And you know what else she had? A cigarette. A dainty, slim, cigarette that told the world (and John Travolta) that she was a bad bitch not to be trifled with.

Show me someone who says smoking doesn’t instantly make you look cooler and I’ll show you a liar. Yes, cigarettes have been proven to be debilitating and harmful to our health, but what isn’t harmful to your health? I remember one time I was reading an article one day about how drinking coffee prevents some forms of cancer, only to see one a few days later that said coffee will murder you in cold blood. It’s all bullshit. If you want to have a fucking cigarette, have a fucking cigarette. Everyone is inherently cooler when they’re puffing away on their favorite brand.

Image via PGP

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