The Friendly But Not Too Friendly Wingman/Wingwoman
There is strength in numbers, and the wingman/wingwoman will be tasked with growing your party with attractive members of the opposite sex, or just average-looking members of the opposite sex. It’s a bar crawl. Your standards and expectations should be pretty low out of the gate. This person is outgoing, friendly, and always on the lookout to expand your crew and lend a helping hand in finding a penis/vagina for you. This person is an essential member of the squad.
Just as you need the outgoing extrovert to make drunk friends, you need someone who only brings good looks to the table. Running with a hot person is the best way to get your hands on what I like to call “duck sex.” You know how water runs off of a duck’s back? Stay with me. The face is so impossibly good looking that hordes of members of the opposite sex will flock to them. The unworthy will be cast aside and who will be there to catch them when they fall by the wayside? Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly! Boom. Duck sex.
No, not in the sense of Tom Cruise. Think more about the Sarah Palin sense of the word. This person is a total wild card. He or she will go rogue at some point. It’s just a matter of time. As soon as you accept it, the better your bar crawl experience will be. You’ll lose this person for hours on end, only to stumble into a piano bar to find him or her atop one of the pianos, belting out a sloppy rendition of “Oh Sherrie” to a crowd that’s going absolutely bonkers. Cloaked in mystique and skilled in the art of disappearance, The Maverick will only make this day more memorable.
A bar crawl is the very definition of “it’s a marathon, not a sprint.” It’s easy to get caught up in the fanfare of the day, and that’s why you absolutely need this member of the team. When you want to line up seven shots of Rumple Minze, this friend is right there, reminding you that it’s only 2 p.m. When the bar starts getting crowded, this friend will head to the bar and line up Vegas bombs. The Shot-Caller straddles the line between fun police and degenerate, making sure that longevity is the objective of the day.
You need a home base, a rallying point. If the group gets separated (and it will), The Host is there. This person’s house is within walking distance of the crawl and he or she is perfectly fine with hosting a handful of drunken morons who need the warmth and comfort of shelter after a long day of boozin’.
The Marathon Man
There will come a point in the day when you realize that the size of your group has significantly shrunk. That’s probably because you’ve been going hard in the paint for five hours and have been responsibly yet aggressively consuming alcohol. Time has flown by and you’ve been left to fend for yourself, and that’s when you see this person emerge next to you at the bar. You have met the Marathon Man: a seasoned drinker and someone with the tolerance of Ernest Hemingway. I’m talking Key West Ernest Hemingway. He will be your blackout sherpa, pushing you to your limits, hopping from bar to bar on a journey of self-discovery and a hangover of epic proportions.
Who’s twenty-five and still has an Adderall prescription? This guy does. The Pusher might catch you rubbernecking out of the corner of his eye. He may offer an open hand. In that hand will be two XRs, and on his face, a knowing smile. Your white knight has ridden in on his majestic steed and saved you from the drowsies. Crush ’em and crank ’em in the bathroom or save one for later, your call.
Joe Montana, Jim Kelly, Dan Marino, Elvis Grbac, Tommy Maddox. Behind every great team is a great leader, and that’s what you need to bring everything all together. QB1 is the signal-caller. If one bar sucks, it’s this person’s job to change it up. If someone’s ex strolls through the door, QB1 pulls a James Brown, throws his or her Patagonia over your shoulders, ghosts out the back of the bar, and puts the squad on blast for choosing such a terrible venue. QB1’s job is of utmost importance. Change venues too often, and the pack will grow tireless and want to go off and do their own thing. Stay at the same place for too long, and everyone flames out. Striking the balance and being able to read the attitude of the herd is what makes this person great.
The BSD (Big Swinging Dick) is one of those “great if you do, okay if you don’t” members of the crawl. You always need someone who loves brandishing his AmEx like it’s a gigantic penis extension. This person throws around money like it’s no one’s business. You want a vodka-water? Make it a Stoli, double. Shots? Patron. Bombs? We’ll take forty, and throw in eighty Budweisers while you’re at it. The BSD makes the rest of the crowd look like they’re hauling in at least $80K a year by association. He won’t be a threat when it comes to stealing any romantic prospects, because he’s been taking shots with everyone from the jump. The only thing you’ll have to worry about is credit envy..