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The Best Strip Clubs (By Name) In America

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They say the key to business is “location, location, location.” I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. Look at Fuddruckers. Their food is absolute dogshit, but they’ve scratched by for decades on their ridiculous name alone. The same can be said for strip clubs. Excuse me, “gentleman’s clubs.” Because nothing says “gentleman” like parking the family minivan outside of Fred’s Cooter Shack off Highway 71 at 11 a.m. on a Saturday. Location doesn’t matter. Men will travel far and wide just to get a look at a stranger’s titty. What does matter is the name.

Boobie Bungalow – Ardmore, TN
FourSquare Rating: 6.9/10
Customer review: “Come for the chicken wings, stay for the hepatitis.”

The Landing Strip – Austin, TX
Yelp! Rating: 2.3/5
Customer review: “Attended a holiday gathering here. Walking in starkly reminded me of a horrible strip club experience in Nuevo Laredo years ago: lots of bad tats and porcine dancers. Didn’t see any BBQ on the menu either. Had a beer and left.”

Great Alaskan Bush Co. – Anchorage, AK
Yelp! Rating: 4/5
Customer review: “WORST STRIP CLUB EVER!! The girls are very unattracrive!If your into heavy set black girls this is your place! If you like older strippers from the 80s this is your place! If you like girls with flat bodies all the way around this is for you ! I think maybe 1 or 2 cute girls TOPS!!! No vip rooms all dances done in the open and all NO CONTACT DANCES!!!! The girls Rip you off and try to charge you for dances you didn’t do! The bouncers were jerks and yelled at a guy for having a hand on a girls leg! Would not return there ever”

Camelot Show Bar – Washington, DC
Yelp! Rating:
2.4/5
Customer review: “Man i messed up and gave the staff my phone with my charger to charge and they went through all of my pictures and everything and let me sit there and spend money while they where hacking my phone. Scum bags!!!”

Cruisin’ Chubbys – Wisconsin Dells, WI
Yelp! Rating: 3/5
Customer review: “What is it about a bachelor party that makes you do things you hate?  I was in in the Dells with 16 other dudes for a bachelor party and weekend of general mayhem, and as these things typically work out we ended up at a strip club……….called Cruisin’ Chubby’s?  Who came up with that name? Unreal.  Now even at my most debaucherous I’m not a strip club guy, so how do you think I felt about this joint the night I was chosen as designated driver? Anyway, for any Milwaukee folk this place is basically Club Paragon with nude dancing. Appealing, I know.  The positives of the night were limited to the sweetheart bartenders for keeping the Coca Cola coming gratis and the exceptionally cool security staff for not bludgeoning a member of our party to death when they probably should have.  All told, it was worth it to be able to hear my bunk mate’s first words of the following day: ‘Ohhhhhh Jesus I still smell like strippers.'”

Wesley’s Boobie Trap – Dora, AL
Google Rating: 4/5
Customer review: It was a nice friday night I just got in from muddin’ with the boys and I was feeling a little lonely so I took a drive out on that old 78 highway. I was driving along when I saw a bright sign that said “BOOBIES!” I was like, ” Well Dale! I’ve gotta stop at this here son puppy!” So I pulled my Chevy into the parking lot and went inside. I walked in and saw a lovely one legged stripper by the name of Loretta. She was a little round but perfect in her skimpy red bra and her lip full of my favorite Grizzly Mint. She sat me down it the hot chair and started her dance. She ended by standing up and yelling, “Where’s my bean dip?!?!” As I left the Boobie Trap I was amazed at how I had fallen in love with Loretta in that short time. I just wonder if I’ll ever see her and my Chevy again…..”

Volcanic Eruptions – Atlantic City, NJ
Google Rating: 3.8/5
Customer review: Let me say the only good thing about this place is that it’s byob the girls looked like they were right off the street all they did was pester me for money one chick with decent size boobes moterboated me I gave her a few doallers and then she kept on pestering me for money thats when I told my friend lets leave I would not Recommend this strip club to anybody.”

Bazooka’s Showgirls – Kansas City, MO
Yelp! Rating: 3/5
Customer review: “Where KC girls’ dreams go to die. The cover charge was a bit much for a juice bar. Overall it was a fun night out, with nobody getting thrown out or arrested, or propositioned by a “former engineer” from Eastern Europe looking for a green card.”

Art’s Performing Center – Milwaukee, WI
Yelp! Rating:
2/5
Customer review: “Fortunately I have a fetish for C-section scars.”

Sagebrush Sam’s – Butte, MT
Yelp! Rating: 3/5
Customer review: “This place is dirty and smells like vomit. The mens bathroom is disgusting. The girls are lame and sit around playing with their phones. The bartender/waitress was just sitting at the gambling machines while customers were waiting for drinks. This establishment needs a complete makeover. Walls and floor are extremely filthy. Even the stripper pole looked like it was going to break loose from the floor. Cleanliness and attitude need to be addressed. I will not go back.”

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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