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The Best Random Jobs On Craigslist This Week: Liars & Poop

The Best Random Jobs On Craigslist This Week: Liars & Poop

Did you lose your life savings betting on Utah to cover last night and now need some new side gigs to help make up the scratch? Craigslist is the only way to go.

From San Diego, CA: Killer Website Developer Wanted ASAP!

The use of the adjective “killer” makes me think that Guy Fieri is needing a website developer.

We WILL reward someone that knows their “shit”!

Currently picturing the internal debate on the two dudes putting this ad together going back and forth like, “Should we swear?? Idk…let’s put it in quotes, that makes it better.” Speaking of shit…

From Las Vegas, NV: Dog Poop Scooper, $10/hr to start, long-term position

Can you imagine embarking on your first day of a long career of picking up dog shit? I can’t imagine anything more depressing. The suicide rate in the dog shit picking up industry has to be higher than Wall Street cira 1929.

Starting Pay:
$10/hr – 20 hours a week

Pay after 3 months of satisfactory performance probation:
$11/hr – 20 hours a week

If you are satisfactory enough at bending over and picking up a pile of shit, you get a $1/hr pay increase. Talk about long term potential.

You must speak at least a little English

Gotta be able to say the words “dog” and “shit” while pointing.

From Myrtle Beach, SC: WAHLBURGERS IS HIRING SELECT POSITIONS IN MB!

If you read this as anything other than “MARK WAHLBERG IS HIRING!” then you’re missing the entire point of this incredible opportunity. Who doesn’t want to say that they work for Mark Wahlberg? As long as no one asks nosy questions you can just say you do his stunts, you don’t have to say you slip burgers.

Wahlburgers is a working class organization, rooted at a family’s kitchen table where the only star is the food

No, the star is Mark Wahlberg.

From Austin, TX: Pickup our office lunch. $26 for 30mins – 1hr

This sounds like easy money if you’ve never driven through Austin during lunchtime traffic. Or frankly, driven through Austin in general. This job is pure hell, sitting bumper to bumper while your car retains the forever smell of PF Changs.

From Myrtle Beach, SC: $13 / hour Foreclosure clean outs

If this job is still around in 13-14 years I’m moving to Myrtle in the summer so I can golf every day and make my kid do this. This is the ultimate “this is what happens if you don’t pay your bills kid” job. If you’ve got older kids or nephews/nieces, tell them to pack their shit and go to Myrtle.

From Miami, FL: Straight Men for Adult Movies

Miami just gets right to the damn point. They don’t beat around the bush with something like “Hot actors needed.” Nope, they’re straight up, “If you like chicks come shoot this porn.”

From Miami, FL: Do you like CHOCOLATE?

Anyone who doesn’t and isn’t allergic is a definite serial killer.

Job Of The Week

From Miami, FL: Free Beer!

Before clicking it’s obvious that this is already the job of the century. Any job in which there’s free beer is an automatic win. It saves you on one of your biggest weekly expenses, and gets you drunk, which is the only way to escape the horrors of adulthood.

Just kidding there is no free beer.

What a lying piece of shit.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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