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The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Selling Pure Hell

The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Selling Pure Hell

We’re two months into 2017 and by now many of you have probably lost that “this year is the year!” feeling about your current job. Never fear, as Craigslist is here to give you that new start you desperately need in the working world.

From San Antonio, TX: Pipelayers needed

Yeah, we highlighted the good old-fashioned innuendo that is laying pipe in this post last week. But this time, I think they’re asking for a bit more than someone to set some pipe in the ground.

Experience and knowledge in deep and wet excavations

I’ve always found my excavations to be shallow, but if you fit this criteria, go lay some pipe.

From Richmond, VA: DO YOU VAPE/USE ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES?

I think they meant to ask “Are you the coolest human being on the fucking planet? Do you like being able to suck on a metal instrument in public buildings? Then we need you!”

Gonna be hard for them to find a bunch of vapers in hipster ass Richmond though…

From Dallas, TX: Rusty Taco Hiring Event

There is nothing you can ever do to convince me that the “Rusty Taco” is anything but a filthy sex term that an aspiring taco chef came across on Urban Dictionary while eating a taco at his desk.

From Las Vegas, NV: AGGRESSIVE SALES CLOSERS WANTED

I wouldn’t be doing my job at PGP if I wasn’t alerting you of jobs for big-time closers, especially in Vegas. That being said, I’m a little wary of this job actually being for deal closers only.

Please reply ONLY if you are a STRONG closer… we will require a ROLE PLAY type interview.

You know, Vegas is the place that I wouldn’t be that comfortable walking into any situation that requires role play. Somewhere else it might be fine, in Vegas you might wind up having to wear a donkey costume and yelling at a dominatrix to choke you.

You need to be comfortable with simple math and able to use a calculator on the fly.

Okay, slow down. One of your requirements is being able to punch buttons correctly on a fucking calculator? Big news for all those job hunters with only an elementary school education. Starting to get the feeling this job is a scam.

We have programs that get people out of debt for less than they even owe which makes this an easy sale.

Yep, that’s a scam.

From San Antonio, TX: TGIFridays

Do you want to embark on a career that starts you out being flush with hella endless apps and could peak at being covered by media moguls Dave & Will at the World Bartending Championships? If you take this gig at Fridays, you’re well on your way.

From St Louis, MO: Ninja/Martial Arts Director

Much like your goal of being a professional athlete or your belief that the world was actually a happy place, your dream of one day being a ninja likely died around age 10. What’s the next best thing? Teaching young children whose dreams haven’t been destroyed yet how to be ninjas.

Our directors provide quality ninja instruction through a fun-filled, high energy learning environment.

The ad doesn’t explicitly say you can have kids engage in nun-chuck battles until there’s tears or blood, or throw ninja stars at a wall for three hours, but it definitely doesn’t say you can’t do that.

Job Of The Week

From Seattle, WA: COMCAST IS HIRING RESIDENTIAL SALES REPS!!

Does your profession just feel too respectful? Do you cringe when you tell your friends what you do and they say “Oh that’s cool.” Have you always wanted to have someone look at you with disgust?

Comcast is the place for you. Now, unfortunately, it doesn’t seem as though they’re hiring for their exclusive customer service team; although with only 3-5 total customer service jobs nationwide at the company, it’s not hard to see why. Those few jobs are saved for the most elite of useless assholes.

But you can do your part in signing up people in what is surely one of the most hellish experiences of their entire life.

If you’d enjoy being part of a close-knit, results-driven sales team, we’d like to hear from you!

“If you’d enjoy ensuring that the person you sold cable/internet to would one day scream in anguish after being on hold for three hours only to have their call dropped, we’d love to hear from you.” Why sell something that improves someone’s standard of living, when you can sell them pure hell.

If you want to be loathed by the entire nation, and don’t have the stomach to be a criminal, and weren’t born as Ted Cruz, then Comcast is the only job opportunity that’s right for you.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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