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The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Gang Members

The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Gang Members

With a new administration settling in, obviously one of the big questions is, “What is going to happen with jobs?” Fortunately there seems to be no shortage of gems on Craigslist. Here is this week’s best:

From Nashville, TN: Margaritaville Hiring All Positions

Just a normal restaurant job, right? Wrong.

“What do you do?”

“I’m in sales.”

“I’m in insurance.”

“I pour beers and margs for Jimmy Buffett.”

No need to go into further detail.

From Billings, MT: Female Companion

This guy comes right out with the job he’s offering:

I’m looking for a lady to be my companion. Too apply for this position you must be height and weight appropriate. You must not use tobacco ,drugs or excessive alcohol Must be tattoo free.

Now my Montana ladies out there, this may sound like a creepy job, sure. But, are you frustrated with how little part-time jobs pay? Girls, do I have some good news for you.

compensation: a lot more $$$ than most part time jobs

Jackpot.

From San Antonio, TX: Struggle With Low Back Pain?

Paging Dave.

From San Diego, CA: Sandwich Artist

…….also paging Dave.

From San Diego, CA: Lice Removal Technician

If you like pulling the lice out of your disgusting children’s hair, come get paid for it.

We have an aggressive marketing team and a bevy of repeat clients

Nothing better than having a nice business relationship with someone because you pick bugs out of their hair on a semi-regular basis.

From Austin, TX: Twin Liquors Fine Wine & Spirits Store Sales Associate

Hell, slinging booze wouldn’t be too bad a gig.

Our ideal candidate will have an interest and passion in wine, food and wine pairings

Hell yeah, that’s right up any post-grad’s alley.

Our full-time benefits include Medical, Dental and Vision insurance, 401(k), lucrative sales incentives, paid vacation and sick leave and opportunities for advancement.

Hella bennies. But then you look at the picture on the ad, and realize that you never want to work at a place that uses a picture of a guy who looks like he just dumped five roofies in to that glass of wine he’s a bit too happy about pouring. Click at your own risk.

From Corpus Christi, TX: CENSUS TYPE WORK

What the hell is census “type” work? What other work is the same type as a census without actually taking a census? Considering they don’t clarify in the ad, my best guess is you’ll be walking around Corpus counting strangers at the instruction of a sociopath.

Job Of The Week

From Austin, TX: Become a Peace Frog Gang Member

I couldn’t not click an application to be a gang member. Now, it only listed carpet & tile cleaning in the ad, but I’d imagine during the interview is when they’d discuss doing ill shit and dying for your crew. I like the cover-up of the cleaning, though.

We are looking for someone who can put in the extra hours

They mean late night crime.

The initial training period lasts 2-3 weeks, depending on your motivation.

By motivation, they mean how fast you’re mentally ready to kill someone.

You get to go to new job sites every day

Only a sucker commits a felony in the same place twice.

Best of luck!

Only way out is a box, homie.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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