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The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Deal Closers Only

The Best Random Craigslist Jobs Of The Week: Deal Closers Only

Even if you’re satisfied with your current job, sometimes you just can’t help but start thinking about what else might be out there. You always have friends who mention that their company is hiring, or see various posts on social media pertaining to new occupations hitting the market.

One gem that shouldn’t be forgotten in the job market is good old fashioned Craigslist. No, it’s not just for buying a TV out of a methhead’s trunk in a Jack-In-The-Box parking lot, or trying to find that missed connection that farted on you while riding the subway. It’s also home to some quality job listings for anyone looking to make a change or get back in the work force. Here’s the best finds of the week.

From Austin, TX: Floor Attendant For Children’s Inflatable Playground

Had me at the title. While this is unfortunately also a dream job for most aspiring child predators, this job has the potential to become the coolest after hours hot spot for your squad.

“What do you guys wanna do tonight?”

“Wanna get the key for the inflatable playground I work at, get fucked up, and play Slamball all night?”

From Denver/Boulder, CO: Segway Tour Guide

You mean I get to mall-cop my way around Boulder taking tourists to every weed shop in a 2 mile radius? I’m all in. Slight hiccup in the “Please Apply If” section though:

You are mature, timely and responsible.

Shit.

From Austin, Tx: Podcast Producer – Part Time

Have you always thought to yourself “I’d love to steal Producer Micah’s job at Grandex, but I have no podcast experience?” Well here’s your chance.

From San Antonio, TX: Infant Teacher

Was really letdown to discover that this was actually looking for someone to teach infants, as opposed to an actually 1-6 month old baby doing some teaching. They should be more careful with their wording.

From San Francisco, CA: Test a Contraceptive Pill for up to one year…Receive up to $525

“Here lady, I’m going to give you this pill. If it works, you get $525! You could pay like 1/10th of your bills for the month since you live in San Francisco. Oh, and if it doesn’t work you’re gonna have a fucking child.”

Job Of The Week

From San Antonio, TX: Lazy Closers Dream – $100k+

If you are a regular reader of this site you’re likely a deal closer, so this one already jumps off the page. Dropping the word “Closer” along with six figs? The ad begins with a fucking Alec Baldwin meme and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Are you the Lazy Closer that gets angry seeing the pea brained sales manager giving good leads to the weak salespeople that can’t close a door let alone close a sale? If so, you might be who I’m looking for IF you can back it up!

Those god damned pea-brained sales managers and weak salespeople, am I right? This guy has been there done that, and wants you to join him in deal-closing greatness, but you better back that shit up.

Our typical customer lives outside the city limits and has a blue collar background. Therefore, you can leave the suit & tie in the closet and take advantage of a business casual environment. Forget the mansions in the city as our typical customer has a double wide mobile home sitting on 5 acres in the country.

Damn right, you’ll be preying on rednecks.

After our lazy closers have their morning doughnut & coffee they slide into the customer’s home in the knick of time and spend the next couple of hours using a very low pressure but highly effective sales technique with a 65% closing percentage. Since the Lazy Closer is a rare specimen that is cherished by the sales manager the low hanging fruit has been hand picked and delivered on a silver platter.

That percentage is about 4% lower than I’d like it but if you’re calling me a “rare specimen” while also letting me eat donuts I’m all about that job.

Now its time to call the significant other and tell them to put on their best because once you get home it’s steak, lobster, scotch on the rocks and a big cigar. Since you are closing 3 per week and pulling down $1,800.00 weekly you can afford the best.

Just to paraphrase, you’re about to become early-90’s Jordan Belfort.

If you aren’t already the best just save your breath. If you haven’t made 6 figures in the past in sales then just move on to the next ad.

Deal closers only.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. Dad humor all day every day.

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