Listen up, jerks. The summer is all about three things: brinkin’, bangin’, and building sandcastles at the beach. You better build ’em strong and sturdy and try to make a moat around them so the water flows around the castles so it stays alive until you leave the beach, lest you get bitch slapped by the cruel mistress known as the ocean. Tides ruined my childhood.
But back to the first two. If you’re doing the summer right, you’re going to be outside and drinking in the glorious sun and heat, most likely at a public place or at someone else’s summer house. What, we can’t all afford beach houses! Who are we, Rockefellers?
If you’re doing it right, you will also meet an equally badass person you’re attracted to, who’s also summer-drinking like a badass. You’ll inevitably start to put the moves like Jagger on that person. If he or she reciprocates said moves like Jagger, then it’s on. But, naturally, while you’re doing the hibbity-dibbity, someone will walk in on you and sure enough, you’ll both be out on your bare asses. Will you most likely face ridicule from your friends? Yes. The scorn of others? Definitely. Blue balls? Abso-freaking-lutely. It’s likely to make for one hell of a story, though. Just remember, it’s all for the book. If you’re going to get booted out of someone’s house for jumping someone else’s bones, do it in style. Here are the best places to get kicked out of for bumping uglies this summer.
What’s more romantic than sex on the beach? Certainly not the aftermath, which involves finding sand in the most unpleasant of crevasses on your own body. If the cops don’t nail you for indecent exposure, there’s very little that’s funnier than you and your paramour scrambling to pick up your clothes and run buck nekkid down the beach to your car after someone catches you doing the horizontal hora behind a sand dune. Just make sure there are no kids around.
Your Friend’s Lake House
Think about it. A sunny, gorgeous, summer day on the lake after a full day of drinking and boating around the warm, still water (that’s probably filled with germs and possibly MERS), maybe a little tubing or waterskiing–then you find a partner and attempt to engage in gland-to-gland combat. Then your friend walks in, and knowing your luck, you’re probably sticking it to the person your friend brought here to take to pound town, so you’re out on your ass. Hopefully you drove yourself there, because it is a LOOONG way back to civilization on foot.
Your Best Friend’s House
Well, this is just a mistake, but the best laid plans of mice and men always come undone when you’re trying to get laid. Rolling in the hay in your best buddy’s bed or possibly mashing gash in the shower across from his or her little brother’s room might seem like a good idea in your completely inebriated mind at the time, but there will definitely be aftermath. Your buddy’s going to be pissed. Plus, his or her parents, who long saw you as a second son or daughter, won’t be able to look you in the eye afterward for at least a year or so. You and your buddy will laugh about this in the hot tub in about a week. Your buddy’s parents? Not so much.
Music Festival Or Concert
Granted, I’ve never been to a music festival, but it seems as if unless you’re literally putting your Basilisk into the Chamber of Secrets in front of a group of cops patrolling a music festival, it must be incredibly hard to get kicked out of one of these drunken, drug-filled, debaucherous rage-fests. If you could get kicked out of Coachella or Electric Daisy Chain or whatever the fuck it’s called for hiding the salami, you’d be an absolute legend. Bone away, bone rangers.
Movie In The Park Or Outdoor Theater
Honestly, watching “The Wizard of Oz” in Bryant Park gets me randy. I can’t be the only one, right? Nobody else is tempted to “make the beast with two backs” while watching Shakespeare in the Park put on “Hamlet”? Plus, if you get caught, they’ll probably put the spotlight on you two making whoopee until security guards drag your pimply ass out of the park.
Your Boss’s Beach House
Do you hate your job? I mean, really hate your job? Because this is a great way to lose it. To be honest, this isn’t even something I’d advocate by any stretch. Hell, I’ve stayed at a boss’s house with a significant other and we didn’t even sleep in the same bed. I’m a terrified postgrad, what can I say? But hey, you’re ballsy–you don’t give a flying fuck. You want to ride the skin bus to tuna town or she wants to ride the baloney pony, and you get turned on by boinking in dangerous places. Well, look no further than the individual who signs your checks. Just go ahead and shag right in your boss’s house. Maybe your boss will respect you more for doing so–I don’t know your life. You are taking your future in your hands, though, my friend. Tread lightly when taking ol’ one-eye spelunking at your employer’s house.
Have fun this summer when you’re banging in public. I can’t say this enough, but use protection and for the love of God, consent. Sign a fucking contract if you have to.