To the surprise of nobody, last night’s Bachelor finale was more disappointing than the “snow storm” in D.C. that resulted in less than four inches of snow. However, much like I did not let that flimsy excuse stop me from taking an unscheduled telework day in my Princess Leia onesie, Nick and Vanessa did not let it stop them from masquerading as a happy couple with all the credibility of a middle school community theater production. While you’re waiting for the very last (for now) of Crick’s critically acclaimed Dude’s Breakdown, here’s the best of last night’s Bachelor Twitter.
I’m so glad we’re finally meeting more of Nick’s family, because it’s really explaining a lot about him. Like why he cries so often.
I’m now wondering how many of the Viall children are still single… and how many of them get their hair cut at the same place as their mom?
I think we were all kind of hoping for this outcome. But… would Santa even be allowed to be that sexy?
Because the Bachelor producers would NEVER do ANYTHING to enable a contestant’s most dramatic and volatile tendencies…
Other things Vanessa is not a fan of: camping, carbs, Nick.
Vanessa: “I’m really tired of you giving me generic answers.” Nick: “I could see why you might think that insert name here. Damnit, I forgot to fill out the cue cards.”
Come on, Sean, don’t be so cynical. He could be vying for a surprise run on the Bachelorette.
Someone please get Neil Lane an Oscar for not just walking in and throwing down some CZ from the Kay Jewelers collection.
Come on, Raven. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU (to end Nick’s incessant fame whoring).
Six years of dating in the fuckboy capital of America has given me a finely tuned sense of BS detection.
Damn. Raven, slay why don’t you. This may go down as one of the most iconic Bachelor lines in history.
Congrats, girl. You dodged a bullet.
In his defense, he’s almost proposed to so many women that it can be hard to keep track.
And then never make any appearance in public again…
I feel like their imminent breakup will be Vanessa’s villain origin story. You can see the resentment beginning to build in her eyes.
This isn’t really relevant to the plot but I also felt it should be shared.
Pro tip: “We’re so happy” sounds less convincing if you say it through gritted teeth, Vanessa.
I initially felt bad for Vanessa getting stuck with Nick for the next 5 months until they break up, but girl… you didn’t do ANY research on this show? Come on. A pros and cons list? Nothing?
Oh, Nick. You really do live in a bubble. (This week’s bubble sponsored by Fit Tea and Sugar Bear Hair).
I honestly haven’t seen anything this awkward on live television since the La La Land / Moonlight Oscars debacle. Where is Corinne? WE NEED CORINNE.
There is nothing I want more in the entire world than for Raven to go on a morning show and destroy Nick. Nothing. #ItsNotPettyIfItsTrue
Ugh, shut up, Evan. You can’t sit with us.
The only difference is that Michael is actually funny and means well.
Well, fam, that’s it for me this season in Bachelor related content. I was really rooting for Nick to end up alone, but it looks like we’ll have to wait another five months for their contractually obligated relationship clause to expire for that. It’s fine, I’m patient.
What are you going to do until May when Rachel finally gives us a Bachelorette we deserve? Suggestions: hit the gym to get ready for bikini season, learn to cook something that isn’t ramen noodles, follow me on Twitter, or catch up on the Touching Base Bachelor podcasts. .