While you’re waiting for Crick Watson’s Dude’s Breakdown of “The Bachelor,” here are some of my favorite observations about last night’s shit show. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to send out some professional inquiries regarding how to hire myself a nanny.
1. Great news, everyone! Nanny Raquel has a Twitter account!
2. This tweet is like that moment when your drunk friend falls off a curb and you don’t know whether they’re fine and it’s okay to laugh or you should call an ambulance…
4. Since ABC blew all their money on BSB and ZeroG dates…
…they decided to save money on wardrobe by cutting fabric out of Nick’s ties.
5. Nick’s version of, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
6. If Nick was actually a ventriloquist dummy created by ABC to pump up ratings by being the most predictable asshat ever, would anyone be surprised?
7. Can we all agree that Nick is that weird kid from high school who never had any friends and then suddenly discovered Crossfit but still has a shitty personality?
8. You know, she’s not wrong. *Corinne quickly has Raquel Google California rules on squatter’s rights*
9. Chris B. Harrison is the king of shade.
10. Planet fitness: “We’re not a gym!” Everyone else: “We know.”
11. (Bonus) Next episode: Corrine decides to one up bra girl by showing up in only a g-string.