* * *
Well, here we are again, attempting to suppress our loathing of Nick with as many glasses of pinot noir as possible. No? Just me? Either way, join me in falling down the rabbit hole of Bachelor Twitter.
1. If these biddies think Milwaukee is exotic, wait until they find out there’s a NEW Mexico…
2. Do we think this also works for performance reviews at work or…?
3. Shipping Corinne and Chad so hard right now. Does Chad have a butler for Raquel?
4. Raven’s story about her ex was like a pornographic Carrie Underwood song.
5. Chris B. Harrison, King of Shade.
6. I look forward to the critically acclaimed sequel, Making A Murderer: The Rise of Chad.
7. I would be much more likely to fight over a pickle than Nick’s scrawny ass.
8. This really seems like a missed opportunity on behalf of the producers.
9. Some things Nick and I have in common: we are both shameless self promoters and neither of us grew up on a dairy farm.
10. Danielle: “Why do you think Nick is still on the market?” Amber: “His cripplingly low self-esteem that causes him to seek constant validation and attention from reality television… He’s just too giving.”
11. I’m not saying Corinne and Chad are the same person, but have they ever been seen in the same room?
12. After that cheating story, I feel like Raven puts off more of a “does meth in the back of the mini van at halftime” vibe, but I ain’t tryna judge.
…but at least she had some sick blading game.
13. Don’t be silly, Crick, we all know that Nick preserves his Bachelor condoms for posterity by pressing them in between the pages of his Neil Lane warranty brochures.
See y’all next week for the shitshow that is this season of The Bachelor. .