Every time a major holiday comes around, another dozen female bloggers release their top 10 reasons why being in a relationship is great, why being single is actually not that bad, or what changes you can make to who you are as a person to find a boyfriend. Maybe it’s because we aren’t phased by Hallmark holidays, or maybe it’s because the financial and planning burden always seems to fall on our shoulders, but as guys, everything about these holidays and the pressure girls put on themselves to be in a relationship on them seems way overblown. Because of this, I have taken it upon myself to establish a countdown of the best holidays to be a single guy on, going from worst to first.
5. Your Birthday
Relationship: This day is 100 percent about you, and if you’re in a relationship, this means your girlfriend is obligated to make today all about you. A morning blowjob, an amazing dinner, and a great night of sex await you, and you are not expected to do anything in return except say “thank you” – at least not until her birthday.
Single: You get to spend the night drinking with your friends and obnoxiously hitting on girls at the bar. If your friends are true friends though, they will make sure you are too sloppily drunk to speak, let alone successfully flirt with anyone. You probably pass out before midnight, alone and half-clothed.
Ruling: This seems to be the one holiday of the year that it is without a doubt better to be in a relationship. You have no obligation to do anything all day, and you should be guaranteed sex at the end of the night. What more could you ask for?
4. The Summer Holidays
Relationship: This is your standard Memorial Day, July 4, and Labor Day. Basically, anything that’s a three-day weekend. Usually this means spending the day with your significant other doing something the two of you enjoy. There is no obligation to plan a huge date, spend tons of money on gifts, or any other special romantic gesture. It’s easy to take a simple getaway from the real world and probably get some afternoon delight.
Single: In the end, you will probably end up doing the same thing single all day as you would in a relationship: day drink, hang out with your friends, and just be lazy. When you head out to the bars that weekend, people will likely be going harder than usual due to the extra day off, but for the most part your chances with the female population will be where they always are.
Ruling: This one is a wash. If you’re still about the single life, you’ll probably enjoy yourself better being single, and those who prefer having a girlfriend will enjoy being in a relationship.
Relationship: You spend the weeks leading up to Christmas going between holiday parties for your work, your friends, her work, and her friends. If one (or both) of you are from different cities, you likely have to sit down and figure out the travel schedule so you get to spend time with each of your families and answer questions about how long until you get married and start popping out grandkids. You then are obligated to spend a decent chunk of change on jewelry or clothes for her, and in return you hope you get something practical instead of something “meaningful” that you probably will never use.
Single: You get an excuse to ask anyone you want to be your date to the company Christmas party, and at that point anything can happen. You only have to travel to visit your family, but end up having to spend twice as much time with them, which means twice as many questions about when you’re going to find a girlfriend so you can start popping out grandkids. On the plus side, it’s one less expensive gift you have to buy, but it’s also one less gift you get to unwrap.
Ruling: In your early years out of college, it definitely seems to benefit you to stay single for the Christmas season: less effort and less cost. As you get older and expensive gifts and trips to visit family become less of a drain, the constant nagging about your love life begins to outweigh the benefits, and Christmas turns into a great holiday for a relationship.
2. New Year’s Eve
Relationship: The night starts when you and all of your fellow couple friends meet up for a fancy (read: expensive) dinner on New Year’s Eve in the heart of downtown. After dinner, you all proceed to the bar, where instead of drinking the cheap beer and vodka you are used to, you are pressured into drinking champagne and wine. While you may be able to resist this temptation, she definitely cannot. As the ball drops, you know exactly who you will be making out with and taking home, so there is nothing to worry about. While it all might be a little over-budget, it is still a solid night out.
Single: You and your friends order a pizza and pregame like you would for any other night, but you dress a little bit nicer. Once you head to the bar, you buy your regular cheap beer and proceed to position yourself next to the hottest single girls at the bar in time for midnight. When the ball drops, you can grab the closest single girl around you to kiss. Where the night goes from there is all up to you.
Ruling: Both nights end up the same way: you with a girl. The single guy not only has to pay less, but he also gets the thrill of not knowing who the lucky girl will be until midnight. It’s a solid night to be single.
1. Valentine’s Day
Relationship: You spend weeks before being bombared with commercials for flowers and jewelry, only to remember on the Feb. 13 that you forgot to buy a gift and make dinner reservations. You spend hours on the phone trying to find a restaurant that isn’t booked and you spend hundreds of dollars on a gift, card, and flowers making it look like you actually tried this year–even though you know that tomorrow your girlfriend will hear about a friend’s cousin’s neighbor who took his girlfriend to Hawaii, and that just makes you look like trash. As long as you put in a decent amount of effort, you should pass and get laid that night, but that’s a big risk to take when a flop means a year of hearing about it every time you get into a fight.
Single: Spend the first 22 hours of Valentine’s Day like it’s any other day of the year. Spend that night at the bar surrounded by single girls who are longing for love. If you can’t make a move tonight, there is no hope for you.
Ruling: Being single wins in every category. The one edge Valentine’s Day may have in the relationship department is Steak and Blowjob Day a month later, but good luck getting her to celebrate.