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The Best Christmas Letter You’ll Read This Holiday Season

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This year, we got a Christmas letter from some friends (and now role models) of the family, the Blowers [pronounced: /ˈblaʊ.ərz/]. Much to the chagrin of my mother, I swiped it and posted it online. It’s the most honest and awesome Christmas letter you’ll read this holiday season:

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[Transcript]:

“Warm season greetings to our family and friends, we hope your year was half as phenomenal as ours was. This year flew by as usual… but you know what they say: Time flies when you’re doing great! Jackie, the ever so graceful matriarch of the Blower family, has recently taken to expressing herself through poetry during her therapy sessions free time, so we’ll let her start us off with holiday poem:

“Seasons greetings and fleeting meetings, with the ones we love, on earth and above.
Let’s spread our cheer, far and wide, during these wonderful, happy times—
Alright that’s it, enough of this crap. The in-laws are here, so much for my nap.
I spilled my wine, that’s just my luck, “But Mom it’s Christmastime!” Yeah who gives a f—

“It’s a work in progress. Moving on to the family patriarch, Richard has really been enjoying his second year of retirement and the subsequent amount of leisure time he now gets to spend with the love of his life, Julie. No, that’s not a typo. For those who don’t know—ahem Jackie, wake up and smell the roses that your husband doesn’t buy for you—Julie is Richard’s former secretary, and honestly is practically young enough to be his daughter. It’s safe to say that these days Julie spends a lot less time on spreadsheets, and a lot more time spread on the sheets.

“The oldest Blower child, Harrah (26), got engaged this past July to her high school sweetheart, Kyle. She admitted being a little skeptical as to whether or not we approved of her unemployed fiancé. But the truth is after he moved into the basement, Karl and us Blowers have gotten tremendously close. In his time off from having time off, he likes to circle what he thinks are job listings in the classified ads and strategically leave them scattered about the house. Oh dear Lord, public school was the worst possible corner we cut raising Harrah.

“Julie, the middle sibling (24), has had quite the busy year! Or at least we assume; no one has seen her since early spring of this year. Our sweet Julie is 5’7”, 125 lbs. and has long, dark blonde hair. Again, thank you for your loving support and prayers during these tough times.

“And that leaves us with the baby of the Blower family, Leif (21)! Leif celebrated his “twenty-one run” just this past November. His parents were so proud when Leif told them about his school’s hurdle marathon birthday tradition, they pledged to help him raise $25 for every hurdle—or “bar hopped,” as they call it. We know we sent him to the right school when the students turn down a night of “boozing” to raise money for those who need it. (Admittedly, we snuck in a little extra $$ and told him to go buy a drink on us… he earned it!) Leif also got straight A’s this semester in every class except for four, and finally accepted his mother’s FaceBook friend request. Now if only he’d upload those photos from his birthday fundraiser!

“Like any family we saw our fair share of ups and downs (mostly ups) and continue to acknowledge every day that we are so blessed and fortunate to be where we are today.
[Insert irrelevant biblical quote here]

“As 2013 comes to a close we look forward to what 2014 has to bring, although if it’s much more we may have to send out TWO Christmas letters next year! The Blower family would like to wish you all a joyous Holiday* season—

(*We’re getting an early start on our 2014 New Year’s resolution: Going fully P.C.)

“—so a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Ballin’ Kwanzaa and a f***ing Fantastic Festivus, from our family to yours,

“Peace and love, The Blowers xoxoxo
From: Richard, Jackie, Harrah, Julie and Leif”

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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