I fly a lot. It’s honestly dumb how much I fly. Between work trips and weekend trips, it’s as if being home in New York City is a trip in and of itself. I have opinions about dozens of airports and I could probably point you in the direction of the cheapest beer in the majority of major hubs, but that is a lesson for another day. Today, I am here to tell you some absolutely undeniable stereotypes of the majority of major airlines. If you don’t agree, then you’re an idiot–or maybe I am. Either way, someone’s a dumbass in that scenario.
Best: Everyone hates Delta. Well, at least most people do. How could I possibly say anything good about the drunkest girl at the airplane party? I guess it’s because everybody has flown on Delta, and people picked these flights because Delta puts out some ridiculous deals. But let’s not forget that the company’s incompetence also leads to mispriced tickets.
Worst: “Doesn’t Ever Leave The Airport.” Delta shares a special trait with Amtrak in that their departure and arrival times are more like goals than actual set times. I heard a rumor that Buddhist Monks have to board 25 Delta flights without getting angry to be inducted into Monkhood. I heard that rumor from my Twitter account and also from my brain. Also, Delta specifically say that smokeless tobacco isn’t allowed during the flight, and that’s just straight up communism–especially for an airline based out of Atlanta.
Best: The second they merged with US Airways, it became the airline to have miles on. Honestly, American Airlines flies everywhere. Once you get on the flight, some of nicest and most competent flight attendants in the game greet you. Plus, that leg room doesn’t hurt the big dudes like myself.
Worst: They overuse small planes and act like it’s not an issue. New York to Nashville and I have to gate check my carry on? Excuse me, but fuck no. Also I’ve been on multiple flights where the airline didn’t serve alcohol, which is by far the least American thing on the planet. Stop being an oxymoron, American Airlines.
Best: Technically they are an entity of American Airlines now, but they have their own little incentives. If you sit in an exit row, you get to board first and you don’t even have to pay extra…well, sometimes.
Worst: Hey, US Airways, remember when you were the first airline to charge for soda? I do, and I hate you every day of my life because of it. Also, does anyone really like Charlotte Douglas? You better, because that’s where you’re flying through. Direct flights are all but nonexistent. Charlotte does have a great Chili’s, though.
Best: JetBlue has its shit together, for real: DirecTV, nonstop flights to tons of locations, leg room for days. If you picture a plane you want to fly on, it probably resembles a JetBlue plane. Oh, also remember when you didn’t have to pay to check a bag? JetBlue remembers it, because the company doesn’t charge for that.
Worst: I basically just got down on my knees so you’re all probably wondering what I could possibly say to knock this beautiful airline. Well, you know who else likes all those perks? Families. You know what families have? Obnoxious children. If you’ve been on a JetBlue flight without a screaming child, you probably should have bought a lottery ticket when you landed because it was the luckiest day of your life.
Best: I mean Southwest has deals on deck, it really does. It has a boarding process that doesn’t make you want to gouge your eyes out, and it has flight attendants who rap the safety instructions because Southwest understands that this probably isn’t your first rodeo. Also, you don’t pay to check a bag, which makes getting on the plane so much easier.
Worst: You ever sit in between two offensive lineman-sized dudes? Well, plenty of people on Southwest have. Its boarding process has one flaw, and it’s a big one. Also, if you’re a classy motherfucker who likes to sit in first class, you’re shit out of luck. The closest you’ll get to first class on Southwest is Boarding Group A.
Best: You feel like such a baller when you’re just waiting for a Virgin flight. If you watch “House of Lies,” then you probably feel like Don Cheadle the second you walk onto that plane. If you don’t watch “House of Lies,” that feeling you have when you walk onto a Virgin flight is that of feeling like Don Cheadle.
Worst: West Coast or bust. It’s kind of obnoxious that the West Coast isn’t in my usual rotation. Because of that, I can’t bask in the awesomeness that is the possibility of upgrading to first class on a Virgin flight.
Best: Literally nothing. Nothing at all.
Worst: Literally everything this airline does is the worst. I’m surprised you don’t have to pay to go to the bathroom on flights.
Obviously, there are more airlines I could have mentioned, but I’m kind of tired of being a huge asshole, so I’ll just leave you with that.