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The Benefits Of Going Unprotected

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Yeah, talking about Twitter accounts here. Lord knows I’m not qualified to write a sex column—just ask any girl I’ve ever been with. Instead, here’s an equally shallow column on your favorite social media outlet.

We all know the horror stories regarding employers who scour any and every social media site for dirt on job applicants, or we at least have all tried retweeting that one funny, never-gives-a-fuck friend only to be met by a hollow ‘RT’ symbol once or twice.

(C’mon Jared, like your dad’s company isn’t going to hire you upon seeing a couple tweets at Wiz Khalifa about weed. You fucking sell-out.)

So let’s break down five grossly superficial, yet also significant reasons for keeping your account public on Twitter:

1. Building your personal brand and gaining exposure.

Okay I get it, not everyone is an attention slut like me. But if you have both something to say and any sense of opinion whatsoever, wouldn’t you want yourself to be heard and be able to engage with other voices that you didn’t even know existed?

Take this for example. Now how would I have ever known that there are devoted, passionate unicyclers out there if it weren’t for this public interaction? And this is just the beginning, just ask anyone angrily tweeting at Johnny Football.

2. Celebrity Interaction.

I can’t be the only one out there that brags about my small collection of celebrity interactions on Twitter. Wait, what’s that? I am? Shit, hashtag: tool. Come on though, it’s nice to know that your tweet to Skip Bayless telling him to just die already has the potential to be viewed, regardless of whether or not he’s already following you. (Seriously though, Skip Bayless. Just go die already.)

3. Retweets in general!

Once again, okay yeah I get it, not everyone is so shallow as to need a retweet here and there to boost their sense of self-worth, but you try telling me you’d even bother with crafting that witty Facebook status if the “Like” button was turned off. Sure, it’s a little different; you can still get your tweets “favorited” whilst having a protected account and subsequently be happy. Though you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you’re some kind of Twitter peasant, one who holds “favorites” in high regard…

God you’re pathetic.

4. Protected accounts simply delay the inevitable.

So you’ve landed your job. Really an asset to the company. Earning that number and then some on your paycheck. Yet you continue to keep that Twitter account locked up like Aaron Hernandez. Your rationale is likely along the lines of “What if I get totally wrecked and go off on Dave from Sales, Gary from Accounts Payable or, God forbid, my jerk-off boss, Randy?”

You’re just delaying the inevitable! You hate your job, you hate your coworkers, and you hate Randy. Why wait to let ‘em hear it when you’re reciting your carefully planned “I quit!” speech? Alternatively, getting fired from a (probably pretty heinous) public tweet simply gets you closer to being somewhere that you actually enjoy, not to mention a hefty pension. Besides, pent-up anger can lead to terrible things too, you know. Just ask any postal worker.

And lastly…

5. Going unprotected just feels more natural.

Well…that logic works for sex, anyways.

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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