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The Beginner’s Guide To Buying A Suit

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Congratulations, you have a college degree. There’s one problem, it is 2013 and there are millions of people with that same lowly business degree. Where do you look to next? If your answer is your resume, think again. That summer you spent working for your dad, fetching lunch orders for him and his colleagues does not quite live up to your self-proclaimed title of “assistant director of public relations.” It’s worth a try though. I don’t blame you.

There’s only one place to start. As Barney Stinson would say, “It’s time to suit up.” In a world filled with cargo shorts wearing, graphic t-shirt sporting, spiky haired douche-canoes, you can actually increase your chances tenfold if you play your cards right. As some wise bastard once said, “You can never make a second first impression.” This means that wearing the right combination of finely-tuned fabrics in your job interview can at least give yourself a few seconds of credibility in the eyes of your employer. However, the suit can only go so far if you open your mouth and all of the sudden you’re as employable as George Costanza. Plus, there is a certain sense of entitlement when you put on a good-fitting suit. Whether he admits it or not, when a man suits up, he feels as though his debit card with a $200 balance turns into an Amex black card, and he feels like the iron chef of pounding vag. That confidence alone could score you some points, or it could land you in court for sexual harassment. The choice is yours.

So where do you start? If you think you already have enough items to have your suit needs covered, you’re probably wrong. If you do get the job, four blazers and a couple pairs of slacks will only fool your colleagues for maybe a week. The Oregon Ducks can wear a different combination of tops and bottoms from now until our national budget is balanced and never wear the same uniform twice. You however, are not an Oregon Duck. Two weeks and it’ll be that same blue blazer and khakis your parents bought for you that Christmas before you headed off to college that you’ve only dry-cleaned once since LOST played its final episode.

Here are a few options:

See What Your Old Man Has In Stock

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If you’re low on cash, maybe your dad has a full closet of suits, and he can loan you a couple. This is a great option only if you and your dad wear the same size and his suits aren’t from an era in which the lapels are large enough to turn into eagle wings and put you in flight if there is a swift wind.

Drive Down To Your Local Men’s Wearhouse

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If you choose this option, look the part when you walk in. Nothing looks more awkward than some sorry sack in a t-shirt and jean shorts walking around looking at suits. The employees will automatically think all you need to do is get fitted for your role in your white-trash cousin’s wedding with a Duck Dynasty theme.

Take Advantage Of The Deals They Have At Joseph A. Bank

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First of all, who is this Joseph A. Bank and how does he make suits so cheap, yet so stylish? Last I checked, their latest deal was “buy one suit, get thirty-seven free, and a managerial job at their newest location.” I have no fucking idea how they afford to host some of these deals. You can get enough suits to last you a year for about a hundred bucks and some change. Take advantage of what is likely the product of a black market child labor ring, and dress for success.

If you have taken my advice, you’re probably well on your way to being prepared for your next job and or job interview. You won’t pass for Don Draper, because that also requires a strong jaw-line and a lush head of hair, but goddammit, that’s who you’ll feel like.

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HittingBallsMakingLaws

Brand new attorney who has no idea what he is doing.

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