Cheesy game-night promotions at major sporting events have officially gone way too far. Granted, it’s hard to get anywhere from 15 to 50 thousand (or more) people to fill a stadium multiple times a week, but does anyone really give a shit about “Drawstring Backpack Day”, “Latvian Heritage Night”, or a post-game Huey Lewis and the News concert? Unless it’s Bat Day. You fuckers can’t keep me away on Bat Day, even if I have to lie and say I’m 13.
But I think that these promotions have finally kicked the bucket, and the cause of death? Tinder. That’s right, if you’re going to this wednesday’s matchup between the Memphis Grizzlies and YOUR Atlanta Hawks, you’ll be treated to “Swipe Right Night” at Philips Arena.
Reminder: The Hawks are having “Swipe Right Night” sponsored by Tinder on Wednesday with the Grizzlies in town. This is a real thing.
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) January 5, 2015
Well, good for the Hawks, I guess, they’ll guarantee that nobody’s looking at their phones for the entire game. Maybe this would be fun if the Hawks were, well, terrible, but we’re talking about the #1 team in the Eastern Conference, with a 25-8 record, hosting the 23-9 Grizzlies, sitting pretty at #3 in the bloodbath known as the NBA’s Western Conference. But who gives a shit, you could get LAID after the game via a free app! All you have to do is pay $150 for a ticket. Well, technically, you can get $20 tickets on StubHub right now, but are you really gonna get laid if you ask your date, “So, you wanna take this back to Section 311?” Nah man, hot chicks don’t climb stairs. Pony up or they’ll be using your blue balls for shootaround practice.
If you want a few pick-up lines for the game, try some of these:
- “Is that a nine dollar hot dog, or are you happy to see me?”
- “How about you, me and the mascot get out of here and get freaky?”
- “Meet me in the bathroom now, you’ll be back before halftime.”
- “Can I interest you in a $12 beer?”
- “How would you like to commit a personal foul?”
- “Can’t talk, about to shoot a three.”
- “I’m not saying I’m quick, but I can violate you in three seconds.”
- “You wanna end up on the ‘Blowjob Cam’?”
- “I own the team.”
Well, hopefully this stunt fills the seats. If it works, I’m sure we’ll see “JSwipe Day” at Citi Field for Mets Games. How else are self-loathing Jewish People (like myself) gonna meet?.
[via Bleacher Report]