The birthday wall post is a sacred act among girls. It is a chance to show off just how pretty you are, how funny you are, and how much you of a good friend you are. It may be your friend’s birthday, but we still know who it’s all about: you.
Any girl in her mid-twenties worth her gluten-free salt will tell you there is an exact science to birthday posts, and for the most part, they can be divided up into three levels.
Level 1: I don’t really care if you have a happy birthday, but I’m going to put a lot of thought into how many exclamation points I use.
Happy birthday!: we’re not friends, but you were (probably) in my sorority in college or we have a mutual friend and I should write on your wall.
Happy birthday!!: I don’t know you that well, but you’re ok. I don’t mind waving to you and saying “what’s up?” when I see you.
Happy birthday!!! or Happy birthday [name]!: we’ve had a few conversations and I like you, but we’re not on the “let’s get lunch and catch up” level.
Level 2: I hope you have a great birthday, but I have better things to do than to write you a novel.
Happy birthday, [name]!!!! Hope you have the best day celebrating <3 XO: We’re definitely friends, maybe even frenemies. We might have fallen out of touch after college but I really do hope you have a great day. I’m going to write on your wall and go back to scrolling through Instagram.
Level 3: The mother of all birthday posts. Buckle up.
These are the birthday posts that get your attention. I mean, it’s your best friend’s birthday, after all. And everyone will be stalking this, so you better make it good. By good, I mean that there is a generic formula that everyone follows and if you don’t abide by it, then is it really your best friend’s birthday in the first place? The basic birthday post looks like this:
1. Happiest of birthdays to my [select: best friend, soulmate, lover].
2. Hope your day is filled with [your best friend’s favorite foods or things to do. Note: this is your chance to show off how well you know your friend compared to the average stalker. Make it count, people!].
3. Wishing we were [doing some random fun activity that you did a few weekends ago or in college that was this special inside joke moment among the two of you. Basically anything that is not sitting at your desk at work].
4. Love you [lots, ILY, times a milli, like XO, forever, forever and a day, or my personal favorite, to the moon and back].
5. The picture. THE PICTURE. This is the most important part, obviously. You need to choose a picture of just the two of you and a recent one where you look pretty/skinny or an old one where you the two of you look cute and adorable. Anything else is a major faux pas. A group picture? Obviously you’re not close. Embarrassing pic from 7th grade where you look like naked mole rats? Why would you even do such a thing? Get out of here.
6. Be sure to sprinkle hints of wittiness and inside jokes throughout the post so we can all revel in your awesome sense of humor.
And there you have it, kids. Go wish your best friend a happy birthday, filled with cake, laughter, rainbow sprinkles, and a healthy dose of celebratory emojis. I’m going to take a shot. .
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