News broke Thursday night that Ben Affleck would be playing Batman in the upcoming Batman/Superman mega-movie slated to come out in the summer of 2015. If you were anything like me, you cracked open your dusty DVD copy of Batman Begins and drank an entire bottle of J&B.
Ben Affleck? Really? I mean, I LOVED Argo. I freakin’ loved that movie. I couldn’t believe it was the same guy who was in Gigli and was so spectacularly awful in the early and mid-2000s. I’ll really be okay with this if Matt Damon comes on to play Robin, because that would be well worth the price of admission just to see Affleck refer to Damon as the “Boy Wonder” on the big screen.
But in my whiskey-fueled state, I couldn’t help but think about which actors I’d rather have play The Dark Knight. Is Affleck really that bad of a choice? Maybe he was really the best they could come up with. So, I started going through my options in my head and came up with what I like to think is a really solid list.
He reintroduced Batman to the world after Joel Schumacher raped him right into irrelevance. Bale’s performance in Batman Begins ignited the once tarnished franchise and catapulted it back into relevancy. He played Bruce Wayne perfectly: a cocky, awesome, billionaire playboy on the outside, and a troubled, sad man on the inside with a dark secret. The only gripe I have about Bale is his ridiculous Batman voice which was just a little too gravely and lispy for my taste. In the end, he was the best Batman since Adam West, and that’s more than you can ask for.
Problem is, Bale signed on for just three movies. The studio allegedly offered him $50 million dollars to reprise his role as Bruce Wayne in the next installment of the franchise, but Bale turned them down, probably because fuck $50 million dollars.
Alright, hang with me for a minute. Imagine in your brain for a minute, the Caped Crusader dashing through the streets, chasing down a criminal in the bat mobile, but instead of Gotham, IT’S WASHINGTON DC AND THE JOKER IS ON THE LOOSE WITH THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
Alright, maybe not. I just really want to see Cage as Batman. Is that so much to ask? The guy never turns down a movie role, like ever. So I don’t think it’d take Bale’s $50 mil to land a guy with this kind of acting chops.
Will Sasso As Arnold Schwarzenegger
The real Arnold Schwarzenegger ain’t exactly a spring chicken anymore, so why not have the guy who does the best impression of him do it? Will Sasso’s Mad TV impression of Arnold had the teenage version of me cracking up back in the day, and he recently dusted off his Schwarzenegger impression on the way to becoming a Vine superstar.
Two words: Rubber Nips. Clooney being known for other things besides his embarrassing batsuit in Batman & Robin is a minor miracle in itself and a testament to how awesome he is. I say we give the guy a shot at redemption and give him another opportunity to play The World’s Greatest Detective.
I’m just a little miffed we never got to see Vinny Chase as Aquaman, despite a couple of generic scenes from a pretend movie. I always thought it would’ve been a pretty cool cross-promotion idea for HBO to actually make the Aquaman movie with James Cameron directing it. I would’ve gladly thrown down the $12 to see that flick. Not shockingly enough, Entourage did an absolute nosedive after the Aquaman seasons. Time for Vinny/Adrian Grenier to embrace his inner superhero and don the cape and cowl to prove he’s not just a fake movie star.
I’m sorry. That was a terrible idea. Just don’t make the Entourage movie as bad as the last three seasons.
You want my honest opinion? Alright, here’s my honest opinion. Jeff Goldblum should be the lead in every major motion picture that comes out of Hollywood. Correction, Jeff Goldblum should play the supporting role of Ian Malcolm in every major motion picture that comes out of Hollywood. We all saw what happened when he played the lead as Ian Malcolm. Still, just close your eyes and picture Goldblum taking down criminals and interrogating them without mercy. Now open your eyes and what do you see? I’ll tell you what you see. Dollar signs and little gold men.