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The Absolute Worst Time To Attempt To ‘Define The Relationship’

The Absolute Worst Time To Attempt To 'Define The Relationship'

“The Talk.” You know the one. There comes a time in every new relationship when you can’t avoid having it. The “defining the relationship” chat, or DTR, as the kids call it. Maybe it’s a few dates in, maybe it’s a couple months down the road, but sooner or later the topics of “What are we doing?” and “Where is this going?” are inevitable. No one wants to do it, but it’s definitely better than wondering if he or she is boning randoms on the nights you two aren’t together doing couple-y stuff.

So when do you bring it up? Do you plan it out or do it spontaneously? How do you bring it up? Is there ever really a right time?

Now, there may not always be a right time, but there is definitely a wrong time. As my best friend recently had the privilege of finding out.

The bff has been seeing a guy from Tinder who we’ll call “James.” She has only been on four dates with James, and they just hooked up after the most recent date. The dude took sex as the sign that he should approach the DTR topic. And he did this amidst the post-coital cuddling.

You know what I don’t want to talk about immediately after the first time I hook up with someone? Whether or not you’re my boyfriend. I don’t need my emotions to be as naked as my body. Let’s save this conversation for a time when I’m not worried about things like what my hair is doing and if I have completely sweat off my makeup, and how long is adequate cuddling time before we move on with our lives.

Though, there are other problems with this approach.

First of all, bold move by James coming in hot and heavy right after the sex. Shooters shoot, but like… read the room, bro. Sex is not an indicator of a desire to be committed. What made him think this was his spot? If anything the hookup is merely a necessary factor in determining how things should proceed.

Second, is anyone really ready to DTR after only hanging out with someone a few times? That sounds terrifying. If I barely know how to pronounce your last name and we aren’t even friends via any social media, do you actually think I feel comfortable labeling this and locking it down?

Finally, why the rush? Not to put a time frame on how soon you should or should not be sleeping with someone, but it took four dates to make it to this step. Did you think your skills in bed were so amazing that she was just automatically going to want you to wife her up? There is nothing wrong with letting things be casual for a bit before diving into the relationship pool.

In response to his strong initiative, James was hit with the, “I don’t think we’re there yet. But we could be heading there, maybe?” which I hope, for his sake, was not too much of a surprise. He has, however, since been invited to a birthday outing for the bff, so he’s obviously not out of the game. And that also means I’ll get to meet him and get a read on things. Because if you don’t get along with her friends, what hope do you have for a future relationship?

In the end, the whole topic is something I try to avoid like the plague, but it is unfortunately a necessary evil that goes hand-in-hand with the fear of remaining forever alone. So you can either ball up and DTR, or live your life somewhere in the no man’s land of dating purgatory. Just make sure that when you do, you try to time things a little bit better than our friend James did.

Image via Shutterstock

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Whatever Lola Wants

Unemployed, living with the parents and perfecting the art of the Quarter Life Crisis. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.

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