Aside from dealing with the dehydration, headaches, nausea and anxiety that accompany a hangover, dealing with the people you will encounter when feeling the pain of the previous night’s indiscretions only makes it worse. The need for peace and quiet is never more necessary when your body is battered and bruised from your latest boogie with the bottle. Avoid these people at all costs.
The Brunch DJ
Of all the places a DJ would be appropriate, brunch would place somewhere in the neighborhood of funerals and a 7 a.m. subway train. Yes, brunch is the latest trend that is threatening to put the hungover pizza industry out of business, but some places are taking it a little too far when it comes to trendiness. How hard is it to let me brunch in peace? All I really ask for is a well air conditioned, modestly-lit restaurant with a nice mix of Motown and 80s hits playing at a slightly audible volume. Not some dude with sleeve tats blasting his shitty 2 Chainz/Barry White remix at 11am, effectively ruining your Sunday recovery procedure. Also, how shitty of a DJ do you have to be to take brunch gigs? That’s gotta be like the semi-professional arena football league of DJ’ing.
“You know who it is, DJ Beefsmack playing from 9am-1pm at the Dusty Wheel this Sunday. Half price mimosas, three dollar bloody marys and all you can eat hash brown buffet.” *20 HYPE HORNS*
Oh, the bitter taste of guilt. Your voice is hoarse, your body is weak and you’re hacking up that half-pack of Marlboro Lights while you pray for the sweet release of death on your couch. Your current panic attack will only be aided by the sheer panic of seeing a missed call plus voicemail from your mother. Who died? Are you cutting me off? Are you and dad getting a divorce? Selling the lake house? AM I BEING TAKEN OFF THE FAMILY CELL PHONE PLAN?
If you don’t have the option of staying in bed all day and have to go out into the real world when you’re hungover, the last person you want to see is a uniformed police officer. There’s nothing worse than seeing flashing blue and red lights in your rearview mirror on a three-plus hour drive home from a weekend bender with your buddies in NOLA or Memphis. You’re not entirely sure you’re 100 percent sober and there may or may not be illicit substances in your glove box. “Canada, huh? Almost made it.”
The Person In Front Of You At the Drive-Thru Who Is Taking For-fucking-ever
One of my favorite hangover traditions is making the 2pm trek to the nearest fast food restaurant. You haven’t showered yet, your body and mind are broken and all you want is a Baconator to soothe the neverending pain of your hangover. However, the whale in front of you is apparently under the impression that Taco Bell’s menu has magically changed overnight. If you take more than 30 seconds to decide what you want from a menu that has not changed in the last 10 years, you are a minion of Satan himself.
The Chatty Pizza Guy
The luxury of having a piping hot pie delivered to your doorstep is America personified. After waiting for a half hour, the pie arrives. A large meat lovers with extra cheese and ranch. Only God can judge you. You’ve even brought napkins over to your coffee table and won’t be using a dirty dish towel to clean your face. This will be a meal fit for a king. You open the door and sign the receipt. Unfortunately, the loneliest pizza man in the city has delivered your pizza. “Nice place you got here. I wish I had a place like this, but my ex-wife took all my money and the kids.” Shut up. Please just shut up. The mere thought of sympathy for someone who has had the unfortunate luck of becoming a pizza delivery boy is enough to send you spiraling into depression. Please don’t talk to me. I pray for the day when drones start delivering Papa John’s.
The Person Who Thinks They’re The Most Hungover
Oh, you’re never drinking again, are you? Please tell us your plans for giving up booze, you holier-than-thou bastard. You drank six Michelob Ultras and had one shot of Fireball. You’re hardly an alcoholic. Two Advils, a Gatorade and you’re going to be in fine shape. In fact, do the whole world a favor and actually give up drinking. Not because it’s actually a problem, but because you can’t handle the inconvenience of a hangover. You’re not the first person in the world to get drunk. Deal with the pain and kindly shut your mouth.
The Guy Who Wants To Start Drinking Again
It’s 9 a.m. There’s a “Lord of the Rings” marathon on TNT and there’s nothing I’d rather do than park my ass on the couch and watch 10 hours of vague homosexual chemistry between Elijah Wood & co. I do not want to Sunday Funday. I do not want to hit that new brunch spot. I do not want to be the guy who shows up on a patio at 11am to drain what’s left of their bank account on an eight-hour vodka/water bender and suffer the consequences Monday morning.
Your Upstairs Neighbor Who Is Somehow Awake And Loudly Moving Furniture
Have you no decency? Yes, you paid an extra $200 a month for hardwood floors and just got that new leather sectional, but did you really have schedule delivery for 8 a.m.? You have no soul. I’d already be awake out of habit, anyway, but damnit. We’re all packed into this overpriced, cosmopolitan, human chicken coop. Please respect my need for silence and the comfort of tossing and turning in my bed until I decide to roll out of it at 3pm.