If you’re doing life right, you should be tallying a truckload of kisses in between your very first and your very last. A first kiss with anyone is as terrifying as all the others, but what makes making out so spectacular is that you really never know what you’re going to get. That is, unless you have an innate ability to read signs from afar, such as thin lips, chapped lips, or just zero sexual vibe whatsoever.
Oh, the makeouts you’ll experience!
The Wettest Makeout
This person watched SNL skits wherein characters engaged in hyperbolic tongue-kissing. No one was around to tell his or her impressionable little mind that this isn’t, in fact, how to French kiss someone. So, unfortunately to anyone who has ever suffered through a makeout with this person, he or she experienced either being choked by an entire tongue in his or her mouth or having every last ounce of the area around his or her mouth being soaked with this kisser’s saliva. Either way, it’s a nasty scene and something you cannot un-experience.
The Driest Makeout
On the polar opposite end of the spectrum, we have the types of kissers who may not even be aware that they own a tongue. Their method is so dry, you’re not even sure Larry David would get the joke. Perhaps they were blasted in the past for using too much tongue? Or perhaps they were once traumatized by a wet maker outer? Whatever the backstory is, the present story you’re living right now with them is begging for a cooler of Gatorade to be dumped over it. It’s just peck after peck after peck, with no sign of true tongue involvement occurring. It’s a disgustingly dry state of affairs. You may even run home to your dog after this and let him slobber on you to feel better.
The Lizard Tongue
It darts in and out, just like–yep, you guessed it–a lizard. I personally got to experience this type of method my freshman year of college. To add insult to injury, the dude with the lizard tongue paused dramatically mid-makeout to take off his glasses with a flourish. I actually laughed into his mouth a few minutes later, and excused myself back to the dorms. Fuckin’ lizard tongues.
The One Who Just Had Jaw Surgery
This is a rare find, but lucky me! This was another gem of a method I got to experience in Summer 2006, and when I say this guy had just had jaw surgery, he had just had jaw surgery. Imagine making out with a robot or the Tin Man. Again, I laughed into his mouth and excused myself from the situation.
The Total Misdirect
When this person goes for tongue, you don’t. When you do, the other person doesn’t. He goes to kiss your top lip at the same time you go to kiss his. Nothing syncs up and everything is terrible. You’re sure you are both decent kissers under different circumstances, but clearly you two just can’t mesh.
The Intensity Mismatch
You like deep, involved kisses. This person prefers lightweight, sensual kisses. You want to linger on his or her mouth, but he or she wants a kiss to last no more than a half millisecond at a time. You make happy noises when a kiss feels right, but this person might as well be dead and you be claimed a necrophiliac since you’re not even certain this is a living, breathing person from his or her lack of response. It’s clear that it’s never going to flow naturally between your two mouths, so get out while you can.
The WTF Makeout
You literally have no idea what’s going on. Your eyes may even be open and your brow furrowed. Does this person even know he or she is kissing someone? Has this person been stuck in a basement with no light or water for the past eight years? You’re halfway tempted to stop and ask, “What the fuck are you doing?” Maybe you even have. If you have, I would like to shake your hand.
The Awesome-Drunk-Terrible-Sober Makeout AKA “DFMO”
If you’ve ever consumed an excessive amount of alcohol and, subsequently, wanted to make out with the next person you saw, you’ve experienced this phenomenon. An incredible kisser when drunk somehow warps into the worst kisser possible when sober. Somehow, that tequila or vodka or beer or wine or straight whiskey instills magical kissing tactics into this person’s face and mouth. Without it, this person is nothing–just a confused, uninformed maker outer.
The Best Makeout
Thankfully, such things as amazing makeouts do exist and are what keep us sucking other people’s faces off. I’ve learned in my old age of 27 that the more you make out, the better it gets. You may think you’ve reached the pinnacle of good kissing, but you are most likely very wrong. Keep kissing those frogs, because although some may fit any of the above descriptions, plenty are going to fit this one. I’ll bet you a makeout.