Oh, dieting. Every chick has done it, but few succeed. I am no exception. I’ve had quite a few moments where I really just wanted to lose three pounds, and I got really good at dieting and exercising…for about two weeks. Now that it’s 2014, I’m obviously one of the millions of Americans heading to the gym constantly and pissing off all the regulars because I’ll probably break my resolution in a couple weeks. Whatever. This time will be different, right? These are the stages that countless other women and I have been through on our quest for the perfect bod.
1. Browse the Pinterest health and fitness boards.
You obviously have to start somewhere, so why not get a little fitspo first by checking out all of the useful diet and exercise tips on every chick’s fav social media site? Some pins I would recommend are “The flat belly diet,” “Exercises to do at your desk job” or “Lose 10 pounds in 7 days!” It totally works.
2. Online shop for workout clothes as motivation.
What’s the only thing more motivating than following those #fitfam workout junkies on IG? Buying a pair of $80 workout pants from Lululemon, of course. Don’t forget some new Nikes and a couple Victoria’s Secret sports bras. I’m not sure how supportive they are but your boobs will look really big in the gym, which is the ultimate goal.
3. Throw away all the bad shit in your kitchen.
Nothing is more powerful and satisfying than tossing all the gross food that’s stuck around in your kitchen for months. “Fuck you, Cheetos!” “I hate you, cream cheese!” “I’ll miss you, carbs.”
4. Go grocery shopping at a trendy organic grocery store.
Whether it be Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Sprouts or whatever other natural grocery store you can find, the next stop is replacing all of your nasty, garbage food with organic goodness. Which is pretty boring because it’s basically only fruits and veggies, but whatever, you’ve turned over a new leaf right?
5. Juicing! Duh!
What better way to kick start your diet than buying a juice cleanse? I’m not sure that a better way exists. Just a tip though – I once did a juice cleanse for an entire day and I think I almost died. Not even kidding. That shit is no joke and you will starve (but at least you’ll be skinny).
6. Posting pics of your food and workouts on Instagram.
How is anyone going to know how much effort you’re putting in unless you document your journey on social media? Don’t forget to post before and after pics of yourself with the following hashtags: #progress #fit #transformationtuesday #healthy. Only put food photos on Insta if they’re huge salads or quinoa or something. Bonus points for a #picstitch.
7. Go to trendy workout classes like yoga and Pilates.
“I heard Beyonce did Pilates, so I started doing Pilates. Hot yoga is pretty big right now too so maybe I’ll try that. I actually have a Groupon for pole dancing also so I’ll start that on Friday; I heard it’s a killer workout.”
8. Choose your destiny.
You’ve taken all the appropriate steps to actually eat right and exercise semi-regularly. Your two weeks of eating salads and doing cardio have been going really well, but work has been super stressful and all you want to do is go home and chug a bottle of wine. This is the struggle. But don’t worry ladies, if you slip up for a couple weeks (months) you can always restart from step one (no judgment)!