‘Tis the season to be dehydrated. These are the hangovers that will bring you to your knees and use the birthday boy’s name in vain this holiday season.
1. The “My Parents Think I’m A Degenerate” Hangover
A night reliving your glory days of high school can only end one way: terribly. The more you drink, the more you begin to backslide into old habits. You drink, snort, and inhale everything in sight until you pass out just before sunrise. When morning comes, the nostalgia wears off and the nausea sets in. You stop at McDonald’s for a super-sized portion of heartburn and head home to be met by the judgmental stares from your family. Hanging your head in defeat, you go hide in your childhood bedroom so your dad doesn’t have to deal with the scent of booze coming out of your pores. You don’t dare show your face for the next 24 hours for fear of a family intervention. Better luck acting like an adult next year.
2. The Red Wine Hangover Of Death
Something about this time of the year brings out the closet wino in everyone. If you’ve ever drunk red wine in excess, then you can empathize with this hellacious hangover. I can’t prove it, but I have a theory that once you drink two or more bottles of red wine, your body metabolizes it into a black, tar-like substance, and that’s what you are forced to regurgitate the next morning. The only way to cope with the agony of the red wine hangover is to crawl into a hot shower, puke your guts out, and cry like an infant until you pass out from sheer exhaustion. There is no coming back from this.
3. The Eggnog Barf Bag Hangover
Eggnog is fucking gross. A beloved holiday cocktail sprinkled with cinnamon and nutmeg, eggnog is highly popular for festive gatherings. The problem with eggnog is, well, what the fuck is eggnog, exactly? Milk? Eggs? Cream? This is the drink that your aunt Shirley makes every year, and even though it’s average at best, you end up downing too many glasses of this semen-like beverage. An eggnog hangover will cause you to demand your parents pull over during the drive home so you can yack your brains out. Your dad will call you a pussy, your mom will cry, and you will be forced to puke into a plastic bag for the rest of the ride so you can make it home at a decent hour. Consider Christmas ruined. Fucking Aunt Shirley, this is all her fault.
4. The Christmas Ale Hangover
Craft beer and its soaring ABV have forever changed the binge-drinking game. You drink a couple specialty ales and you rock a solid buzz. You’ll wake up in the morning with a bit of a headache but nothing a little Gatorade and Advil can’t cure. However, if you drink five, six, seven Christmas beers, you better prepare to die. Your stomach will be on fire the next day, and no matter how little or how much you eat, you will spend hours on the toilet butt-barfing your insides out.
5. The Traveling Hangover
Big family? Big problem. The only way to get through Christmas Day when you have to travel all over town to appease your huge-ass family is to get drunk. Super drunk. You kick off the day with mimosas, throw back some spiked cider around noon, round out the evening with gin and tonics, and have a nightcap or two. You won’t remember all the passive-aggressive shit your family members said to you, but you will remember feeling extremely ill. Mixing different kinds of alcohol over the course of a 16-hour family-filled marathon is going to leave you with the gift of a two-day hangover.
6. The Fireside Anxiety Hangover
As the holiday parties come to an end, you find yourself alone on the floor of your parents’ family room, curled up in ball in front of the fire. You officially have no shame. The last ten days have been such a booze-fueled haze that you just want to die. A new form of stress begins to take over. Similar to the Sunday scaries, the fireside anxiety hangover is a hard-hitting reminder that you drank way too much and acted like a moron on multiple occasions. You are a broken person. There is no option but to wrap yourself up in a blanket and drift off to sleep while “Home Alone” plays in the background and your mom wonders where she went wrong.
7. The “New Year, But Nothing Has Changed” Hangover
A special hangover reserved for the new year, January first is quite possibly the most depressing day of all. You just spent the last 12 hours celebrating the past, present, and future, only to realize your future is pathetic as fuck. You smell like a hobo, look like a hooker, and you’re pretty sure there isn’t enough water on this earth to quench your thirst. Another year gone, another day spent hungover. Time to fire up Netflix and try to convince yourself this is the year you’ll grow up and stop blacking out. You won’t..