Mmm, sex. The delicious, rare game that evades you at each and every turn of young adulthood. You’re not having much, if any at all. There are still those fleeting moments of desire where the universe gives you an opening and it happens. It’s a diverse jungle of former lovers, potential partners and drunken mistakes that coalesce into a toxic relish that makes you hate yourself until you finally settle down.
So without further ado…
1. The Sad Rebound
Breakups suck. The sex after breakups almost suck even worse. I may pick up trash in front of the net like Milan Lucic, but there’s still a sad sense of grief when having relations with someone who just came out of a relationship. I’ve been on both ends. You feel used. You can say you don’t like cuddling after coitus, but come on. What are you, some kind of monster? After months/years in a relationship, the unfamiliar tides of singledom and post-orgasm etiquette are rough. Do I leave now? Do you want to call cab? Should I just wait in the living room? Where’s my sock? Rebound sex. The worst, but also necessary.
2. The Coworker
(Nods in approval) You dirty dog. You really went for it, huh? Sure, throw professional caution to the wind. Everyone should have sex with a coworker at least once. It really keeps you on your toes. The adrenaline you’ll feel when your boss calls you into his office will make you feel ALIVE. Live life on the edge. The surge of blood to your face will give you a sense of awareness and the guilt you may or may not feel after a bang sesh with Tina from sales is a cocktail of existentialism and nerves that can only be described as oddly blissful. Make that sex, then shake hands and agree to never talk about it again.
3. The Catharsis
Everyone has their great white buffalo. A mighty trophy lay that they have lusted after for years. You were finally drunk enough to muster up the courage to make a move and it worked. By George, you’ve done it! You remembered your training. You’ve never wanted something more in your life.
Unfortunately for you, it ended with a disappointing finish and you never spoke to them again. Them’s the breaks.
4. The Young Gun
Young, dumb and full of…enthusiasm. The zest for porking amongst young people is something that can be taken advantage of. You probably met them out at a bar late one weekend. You took them home and showed off your impressive collection of HomeGoods furniture and dish towels. It was over right there. Game, set, penetration. They’ve never been so intoxicated. The prospect of hooking up with someone who actually has some of their shit together ignites their loins with desire. This is what you’ll look like to them:
When in reality, this is what you really look like:
5. The Disappointment
A close relative to The Catharsis, The Disappointment never lives up to the hype. Three dates in, sexual tension is at a fever pitch and you are just ready to jump their bones. Then it’s over. It wasn’t that great. You’ve honestly had better. You’ll look down upon your genitals and think “Really? That’s what that was all about?” You really thought they were the one. It’s just a damn shame. That, or you had sex with them and found out that they’ve already slept with five of your friends two weeks later.
6. The Tactical Bar Hookup
This isn’t your run-of-the-mill grab-n-go at last call that you perfected in college. No, no, no. This is a long play. Seeds planted throughout the night, whether they were intentional or unintentional, have led to your future partner back to you. There’s an opening. Yes, yes. This is it. Grab their face and just hope your mouth lands directly on theirs. Shoot to score. It’s not quite a Hail Mary, but rather the well executed play-action play call in the third quarter. You’re still going to hit paydirt, and it’s much more impressive to bystanders. Everyone will think you’re a hookup savant. Well done.
7. The Regrettable One
Time and time again, they will find you. It’s like they have some sort of stalker radar and ALWAYS end up at the same bar with you. You’ve tried to resist them over and over again, but it’s just nature’s way of tempting you. You should just run away whenever you see them, but you pull the old “Hey, I know you see me because I see you and it’s only a matter of a couple of hours before I come over to say hi and we both pretend like we haven’t seen each other until now” move. You refuse to even acknowledge this companionship with the “fuck buddy” title, it’s more like “continuously repeating Saturday mistake” than it is a budding romance. You both actually hate one another and regularly kick each other out of your respective apartments. What kind of game is that? A desperate one, that’s what..
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