There is nothing more beautiful than two (or more) people getting together and doin’ it using their naughty parts. Especially when the people are good looking. Especially when it’s two beautiful women doing it in a fountain or in the middle of a NASCAR track. Drool. Wait a minute, where was I? Oh yeah. Sex sounds like a lot of fun, theoretically. I’ve heard great things about it. And sometimes the mood will strike you when you’re in places other than your own marital, or pre-marital, bed.
We’ve already talked to you about the best places to have sex this summer outside of your own home, but frankly, you have to eventually realize that you can’t have sex everywhere you want. In fact, getting it on in certain locations will just get you into trouble, or at least demonstrate VERY poor taste. Here are the most inappropriate places to have sex.
As the great Chazz Reinhold once said, “Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.” And who are we to argue with Chazz Reinhold? He is not a kook; he is a brave and decent man, and he is a pioneer. Also, who am I to tell you how to grieve? If you’re in mourning, you gotta do what you gotta do. I respect that, but maybe keep it out of the funeral parlor, chapel, graveside service, etc., okay? Especially if it’s not your relative’s funeral. Like, okay, I can kind of see how if Grandma dies and you’re all upset, but then your smoking hot babysitter from when you were 10 walks in and she’s in her thirties, but time has been kind to her because she’s gone from a hot coed to a Denise Richards-type, and she tells you she’ll do anything to comfort you, then yes, you can absolutely pull her into the confession booth and have her start praising her god at the top of her lungs. But not at someone else’s funeral, man. You’re better than that.
Don’t believe everything you saw on “Grey’s Anatomy,” “ER,” or even “Scrubs.” Sex in hospitals is not as fun or as easy as it seems. You can’t just pull your partner into a medicine closet and have your way with her, then grab some medicinal marijuana for later. Imagine you’re just about to climax when, all of a sudden, you get a page that your patient is going into cardiac arrest. You can’t say “in a second, just let me finish,” because you have to save that patient. So you have to rush to the hospital room with a crying, flipping-out family and try to resuscitate your patient with blue balls and stank on your hang-low. That’s not good for anyone. Also, there are a ton of germs floating around as is, and it’s just not sanitary to add that level of stank to a sterile environment.
You think Jerry Seinfeld got it bad from Newman when he was making out with Rachel during “Schindler’s List”? Just try and see what happens to you if you get caught canoodling at the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., or if an Israeli security guard catches you balls-deep in a bathroom at Yad Vashem Memorial in Jerusalem. But seriously, what kind of person could get it up in a Holocaust museum, or a memorial to death or genocide of any kind? You’d have to be some kind of sick fuck to get aroused in one of those. Suggest this to your partner, and she’ll surely tell you, “never again.”
The Maternity Ward
If you’re with someone who gets aroused in maternity wards to the point where she gets all horned up and tries to make it with you in one, you should probably check your condom supply, because your rubbers will most likely have more holes in them than Swiss cheese. They’re baby crazy. Guys AND girls. I don’t get it. Sure, babies’ heads smell really nice for some reason, but the answer to seeing a bunch of babies behind glass, lined up like corned beef cuts behind a deli counter, isn’t “let’s make a baby of our own, right now, in front of all these people.” And the new parents don’t want to see YOU behind the glass. That’s what nudie booths are for.
Kids’ Birthday Parties
It’s entertainment you can’t buy anywhere else, and thank God for that. What’s the matter with you, you sick fucks? You can’t just exchange numbers with the cute divorcees later, wait until your kids are asleep, invite her over for some Merlot, put on a Steve Winwood album, and go to town on each other? No, you have to do it RIGHT NOW while the kids are running around and playing like idiots? Where’s the best place to do it: the upstairs bathroom, the abandoned bouncy castle, or the bush behind the petting zoo? The correct answer is “none of the above,” and most certainly never the petting zoo. You’ll either get scratched by thorns from the bush or you’ll get parasites from a friendly, curious goat. That’s really not a threesome you want. Whatever you choose, the only outcome of doing it at a kid’s birthday party is a ticket for indecent exposure and a “sex offender” tag for future Google searches of your name.
First of all, it’s cold as hell in there, so you’ll have to worry about shrinkage. Second, it smells like dead people, which isn’t exactly an turn on…hopefully. If it is, see a doctor. One of those doctors with access to straightjackets and padded rooms. Third, I can definitively answer that if you do it on top of a corpse, it does NOT count as a three-way. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. It’s not worth the effort. Just don’t do it in the morgue.
A City Bus
If you’re as avid a WorldStarHipHop fan as I was back in the day, you must have seen the instant classic “Two Ratchets Giving Jaw on the 6 Train,” which is, well, exactly what it sounds like. For the sake of common decency, I will not link it here; it’s NSFW and I cannot and will not tell you to look it up. Subways are dirty, granted, but train cars can be abandoned in certain areas, and if you’re feeling randy, there’s your opportunity to stick it to the man by sticking it to your…well, you can see where I’m going with that one. But buses are the pits of humanity–just moving chambers of human sadness, despair, and those little yellow pull-strings that alert the driver you want to get off. Do NOT pull them if you’re “getting off,” because the bus will pull over, the lights will come on, and the driver will not move unless you get off. They’re dirty, crowded, and the least sexy thing I can think of having sex in, unless you count the bathroom of a Greyhound bus. Just avoid buses at all costs.