If there’s one thing that makes all of us feel like our best selves, it’s stuffing our faces with late-night fast food after a night of binge drinking like we don’t have work at 8 a.m. Even though it makes us look and feel our absolute worst, we just can’t fight the siren call of French fries and tacos after five vodka sodas. But when you go to reach for some post-drinks food, where do you make the Uber go? Here are the top (okay, my top, but whatever) drunken fast food choices, ranked from ~not to hot.~
1. Burger King
If Burger King was a person, he’d easily be the Joffrey Baratheon of the fast food world. Sure, he’s a king, but that doesn’t mean he’s doing his job right. No matter what you say, do, or order, you’re just going to get whatever it is he throws at you. When it comes to sex appeal, he’d rather mutilate your intestines and make you regret seeing him than actually fill you up. No one likes Joffrey in the bedroom. No one likes Burger King in the bedroom, or out of the bedroom, or at any point in his or her life, for that matter.
2. Taco Bell
The sexiest part of Taco Bell is the fact that you have to be college-level hammered to eat it. Other than that, it’s just about the worst mistake you can make. Anything you put in your mouth, you’ll 1000% regret the next morning. Sort of like the random guy you brought home, but at least with him, he’ll come once and be done with it. Taco Bell, on the other hand? That shit will come out of you for days.
Like a catholic schoolgirl or a sleep away bible camp, there’s something forbiddingly sexy about Chick-fil-A. You know underneath its manicured exterior and wholesome promises, it’s deliciously evil. Whether it’s due to the fact that its beliefs and politics don’t align with yours, the never-ending choice of sauces, or because a milkshake has a third of your daily calories, you know something that good, has to be bad.
Just like any and all “guac is extra, so am I jokes,” Chipotle isn’t the most original place to dine. Some people won’t even consider it fast food. But when you’re 3.5 dates in and looking for a lunch you can have that will segue into obscure documentaries and some afternoon missionary, Chipotle is always the answer. It’s not exotic. It’s not different. When it all comes down to it, however, Chipotle is safe, comforting, and you know it won’t let you down. Unless of course, it decides to fuck you over and give you E. coli. But what are the odds of that happening?
5. Papa John’s
I mean, come on. Call him Papa? He’s got a John for you? The whole place is one giant innuendo. If his seductive name and decently good looks don’t do it for you, the fact that you can get a large for $8 is total street corner bargain.
6. Five Guys
Five guys, one you? Sounds like a sexually exhausting nightmare, or the newest viral video that’s sure to scar you for life. The burgers are hot, the portions of fries are huge, and the name is enough to bring back visions of girls and cups. At least with Five Guys, you might actually keep down your lunch. Nothing says romance like sharing a giant cup of brown liquid with the one you love. A milkshake, guys. I was talking about a milkshake.
Need I say more?.
Image via In-N-Out Instagram