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The 7 Fattest Things You’ll Do After College

Pizza Plus

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Pizza is the go-to. Pizza is familiar. Sometimes it can get boring. That’s when you take it up a notch. Not only do I want pizza, but I also want cinnamon sticks, pepperoni rolls, breadsticks and chicken wings, and I want it for the low price of $23 dollars. Because when crust, sauce, cheese, meat and veggies aren’t enough, you crave variety. The Pizza Hut Family Dinner Box, more specifically. You’re willing to sacrifice long-term health for short-term contentment. You will eat the entire thing in 24 hours or less and it will leave you feeling like hot death. Meat sweats, irregular heartbeat and lethargy. You earned this.

Bed Day

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You’re not hungover. You’re not sick. In fact, you’re in fantastic health (kind of). We live in a day and age where you do not have to move. You don’t even have to get up to turn on your XBox anymore. Park it in neutral and soak in the beauty that is your $200 full-size mattress. Those $20 sheets from Target are just abrasive enough to keep you stimulated, physically. Mentally, not so much. There’s a ton of Netflix to be watched and British teenagers to be cursed at on XBox Live. You don’t even know where your phone is. Who cares. So what. It’s bed day.

Spending Double Digits At The Drive-Thru

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Back in high school, my friends and I would do this thing called the “$12 Taco Bell Challenge,” in which we would see who could get the most Taco Bell for 12 dollars. If you could eat all of it, you were crowned champion. Also, this was when my metabolism ran like a diesel engine and I was regularly exercising at least four days a week. Now, the $12 Taco Bell Challenge consists of me trying to not think about how many calories I just ingested. Sure, that Big Mac Super Value meal is a lifesaver, but you want more. Better get a large, and add on a McChicken…and a McDouble…and a Snack Wrap. Just in case.

Drinking A “Dessert Cocktail”

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As Ron Swanson once said, “There’s no wrong way to consume alcohol.” I would argue that is correct. Whatever vehicle you need to use to get drunk, use it. Why would you ever order a piece of chocolate cake for dessert when you can get a giant pint glass full of sugar, fat and booze? These sugary flavored vodkas and rums are all the rage now, might as well drink them. There’s no quicker way to show people you have zero self-respect than by saying “Yes, I’ll have the Chocolate Whipped Cream Java Vodka Salted Caramel Diabetes-tini.”

Actively Using A Pizza Rewards Program

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It takes approximately 12 Papa John’s orders to earn a free pie. 12 pizzas contain roughly 31,000 calories, roughly 15 days worth of calories. So, you do the math. It’s economical. 12 pizzas, 15 days worth of calories, one free pizza. Living well.

Food Used As Bread

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Why use regular old bread when you can use two grilled cheese sandwiches? Why opt for a bun when you can just squish a burger between two donuts? Time to max out. Stretch out your stomach. Bagels are so ’90s. Put your egg and sausage sammie between eggs benedict. Foodception.

The Payday Payoff

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You’ve got four figs in the checking account and it’s one of those magical pay periods where you miss your monthly billing cycle. My god, what could you buy? A new TV? Maybe a Blu-ray player? Pay for NFL Sunday Ticket? A Brazzers membership? Nope. You’re gonna drop 30 bones on dinner and worry about this month’s cell phone bill next month. A feast fit for a king’s fat son. Fried chicken, not one but TWO sides, maybe a premium sixer, some vino and an on-demand movie. You’ll bask in your perma-glory until you sit upon your (porcelain) throne tomorrow morning.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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