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The 7 Best Things About Selling Out And Moving To The ‘Burbs

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There comes a time in every man’s life when he must choose. He must choose between living the life of an urban socialite or becoming a corporate sellout. You KNOW I went sellout. If given the choice between being a man of principle and being a sellout, I always go sellout. In this case, selling out meant leaving the comfort of urban chic living and heading out to the suburbs. Do I miss living in the urban core of my city? Sure. Am I loving all the benefits that come with leaving it? Absolutely. There are plenty of things you don’t even factor in when moving out to the ‘burbs that make it all worth it.

1. Nice-Ass Gas Stations

Let me start by saying that I love a good gas station. My favorite part of road trips is staking out the nicest looking gas station to stop at for a fill-up. Love’s, Travel America, Quiktrip, Sapp Bros–I eat that shit up. Considering gas stations serve as the scene for 80 percent of movie murders, I like to feel at ease when I walk into a gas station. I strolled into my local Shell gas station after moving into my new place and was greeted by can lights, stone floors, stained wood shelving, and a massive wine selection. It was almost as if God had looked down upon me and said, “This is what I have bestowed upon you, my overprivileged child. Look at all that vino. This is your kingdom.” Long gone are the days of small, dirty, dimly-lit Sunocos.

2. Limited Human Interaction

I’ve gotten to that age where everyone annoys me. Young, old, my age. Doesn’t matter. I didn’t mention high school kids because they barely qualify as human. If you have a pulse, you annoy the hell out of me. I am an emotionless robot who only has the energy for my family, my friends, and my significant other. My ability to emote has dwindled over time. I still enjoy meeting new people and I’ll always love a night out on the town, but sometimes, I just gotta do me. Odds are, if you saw me out at a grocery store after I got off of work and wanted to let me know that I had a piece of scrap metal sticking out of my back, I’d probably have whipped around and annoyingly asked, “WHAT?” I’m a generally pleasant and outgoing guy, but all I want to do 80 percent of the time is be by myself in silence. Sweet silence.

3. Quiet

Quiet goes hand-in-hand with limited human interaction, but I have to tell you, I love how quiet it gets out there. It’s serene. I walk out onto my porch every night and get to look out over the gorgeous Texas Hill Country. I don’t hear cars, trains, airplanes, anything. Just the sounds of nature. The sweet sounds of silence. Shit, look at me. It sounds like I’m retiring. This is, of course, not true. Reports of my boringness have been greatly exaggerated. I’m just tapping the brakes a bit.

4. Cool Shit Like Horses

One of my neighbors has a horse. He wakes me up every morning with a distant, mighty snort and whinny. One of these days, I will arise from my bed chambers, mount the mighty beast, and ride him through the woods. Picture for reference:

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You won’t find cool shit like horses in yer fancy, high society city.

5. Nature

Horses are nature, so you could say they’re one in the same. Nope. I look out over a lush, green forest and smell the fresh country air. Alright, so I literally live 100 yards from a highway, don’t care. The air out here is fresh to death. It’s crisp. Might have to bottle some of this stuff up and sell it to Yankee Candle at a premium. Call it “Bri Guy’s Country Special.” Best-seller to the top of the charts. All I ask for is 10 percent of the ridiculous $19.95 price tag. Might even start my own candle company: Sniffers, by Brian McGannon. Your boy is coming for you, Yankee Candle. I’m gonna price you right out of the market.

6. Space

I was about to go stir crazy in my tiny, 700-square foot “urban” “luxury” apartment. There were claw marks on the walls, the bathroom was a mess, and I decided enough was enough. I had to get out of there. The walls were closing in. I called up my realtor and told his ass that I was sick of all the “corporate bullshit.” After a lengthy, unnecessarily bossy conversation, I let realtor Terry know I wanted to spread my wings. Two weeks later, I toured a 1,200-square foot condo and signed the lease, right after checking the Yelp reviews on the place, of course. On the move-in date, I starfished the fuck out of my living room. Domestic bliss.

7. Easy Access To Chain Restaurants

Six minutes and change to the nearest Chili’s. ‘Nuff said.

Image via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting inappropriately drunk in public.

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