Let me begin by saying that I absolutely love the World Cup. It’s the most exciting sporting event in the world and hey, America’s actually (kinda?) good this year! Unfortunately, the World Cup also brings out the very worst in sports fans across the country. I don’t know what it is about soccer, but they seem to have exponentially more unbearable fans than any other sport, outside of NFL fans in general and NBA blowhards.
The Guy Who Suddenly Gives Too Much Of A Shit
I’m all for donning the red, white, and blue whenever America goes up against the world, but let’s stop for a minute and remind ourselves that you can’t name anyone in the USMNT’s starting lineup other than Clint Dempsey and Tim Howard. Don’t feel too guilty, though. This category includes the majority of Americans and your dedication is to be admired…to a degree. Just don’t go overboard.
The Guy Who Desperately Wants Soccer To Be Mainstream In The U.S.
Alright, here’s my main gripe with these guys. Soccer is popular in America, but it’s just never going to crack the big four: NFL, MLB, NHL and NBA. They love throwing out bloated MLS attendance stats and referencing the EPL’s TV ratings among 16-24 year-olds, but the truth is that soccer will never be mainstream in America until A) the U.S. wins a World Cup or B) the MLS becomes one of the top three soccer leagues in the world. Both of those are long shots. Just enjoy your moment in the sun every four years and stop trying so hard to validate yourself to the general public.
Your Grandpappy didn’t kill 30 Germans with his bare hands so you could cheer for Italy for absolutely no reason, 70 years later. Enough said. If you were born in America, you’re cheering for America. I don’t give a shit about your heritage. That’s cool that Suarez is your favorite player, but last time I checked he plays for Liverpool and you’re a piece of bandwagoning shit with approximately zero Uruguayan DNA in your body.
For writing the same piece of hack journalism for 20 years.
The Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About How Much He Hates Soccer
Look, guy. We get it. You hate soccer. You don’t like flopping and Europeans and terrible Adidas commercials just like the rest of us. We just deal with it and enjoy the greatest sporting event in the world. Everyone’s entitled to a few bitches and moans about flopping and soft fouls, but eventually it gets old and everyone just gets used to it. It sucks, but it’s just a part of the beautiful game. You are not breaking the mold when you say soccer sucks. It’s not a unique opinion. Sit back, throw on your American flag bandana and just enjoy a great excuse to get drunk with your countrymen.
The Benedict Arnold
We have finally arrived at the worst American soccer fan known to humankind. The guy who suddenly takes on a British accent and mannerisms once a game kicks off. This person is easily identifiable as anyone who shouts “Come on, you Yanks!” or stands and sings the national anthem at the top of their lungs in a British accent. They’ll call it “footie” or “football” and will be wearing a scarf in 90+ degree heat. This person is not to be trusted. They aren’t content with their American heritage and feel it necessary to stoop to this pathetic level. What a wanker.