Even though I date a lot, I would hesitate to call myself an expert on the subject. At this point dating is a lot less “meet someone to sit on a on a porch swing with” and has become more “meet someone I can tolerate before the third gin and tonic kicks in” in regards to my own personal goals. Yes, I hear how sad that is, and no, I really don’t care. I’m too busy finally watching Friday Night Lights and fantasizing about Tim Riggins to give a damn, but I digress.
For every bad boy who happened to do a lot of adderall that we said “yes” to, there’s a creepy dude with a terrible pick-up line and an affinity for sunglasses with the flip up option that we said “no” to as well. It’s just science.
The reality is that even though I’m out of the phase of holding hands on the oval or sneaking in hot-and-heavy meet ups in the library (yes, I 100 percent did those things in undergrad because #noshame), the dating stereotypes still exist outside of the collegiate circuit. I’ve already talked about the five gentleman that we all seem to gravitate towards once we receive our diplomas and swift kicks to the real world. Now, I’m going to set my sights on the mofos we say, “Absolutely not” to while shit-talking their Tinder photos at brunch.
1. The Professional Bartender
Excuse me, I meant “mixologist”. He thinks that because he slaps basil over vodka a couple of times that he’s expressing his creativity and being “alternative,” when really he is working for $2 an hour plus tips. The majority of his girls are one-night-stands that made the mistake of sliding into his Pontiac on top of the take homes from the kitchen, and he genuinely thinks that he could be a porn star if professionally slinging Bud Lights down a bar top doesn’t work out. You sleep with the bartender, but you do not exchange numbers, last names, or anything more than a “do me now” with the bartender.
2. The Guy Who Still Lives With Mom And Dad
If you say, “No biggie!” to this, you are clearly either underage or secretly crossing your fingers that you will live out SJP’s role in Failure To Lauch. This is not “being practical” — this is being lazy. This is a guy that will forever expect you to separate his whites, replace the paper towels, and remind him to drink water while out and about. You shouldn’t be making small talk with his mom every time you guys make plans to grab drinks and you opt to drive, that’s just too much. You signed up for a potential boyfriend, not a mild interrogation and a “Drive safe!” from the folks before every Chris Pratt movie you force him to see over the next six to eight weeks.
3. The Baby
This is the dude who reminds you of your ever impending mortality. At first, you feel “bad” in the best way for being a cougar, but then the fifth time you want to go to a bar past 9 p.m. happens, and your boyfriend can’t come because he’ll get carded. And that’s when it hits you. You’re a damn cradle robber. There is a whole world of renting cars, leaving your credit card at clubs, and buying merlot on Tuesdays that he cannot be a part of. While it’s fun to pretend that you’re Demi Moore and he is Ashton Kutcher for a hot second, eventually, you just realize you’re not cool enough to ride a razor scooter ironically and cannot handle the word “bae” without a side of exasperated eye roll.
4. The Gym Rat
He. Looks. Terrifying. Hey, if you’re part of the 2 percent of the population who is genuinely attracted to someone who looks like a walking muscle cramp, more power to you. But honestly, who has the time to make protein shakes four times a day? Who has time to post so many selfies in hoods with their earbuds? WHO HAS TIME TO WRITE THAT MANY HASHTAGS ON INSTAGRAM? #beastmode #fitfam #workhardplayhard #progress #grind #didntpayrentbutpaidforthegym #boughtashakeweightbutilieaboutit #helpmepluckmyfreakhairs
He’s ridiculous! Thank you for the reminder that Sundays are for dead lifts…and Game of Thrones. Wouldn’t have remembered to do those three squats before feeling questionable about Peter Dinklage without you, son.
5. The Guy With Kids
Unless you are at a certain age and place in your life, this is just the most intimidating thing in the world. Years of Disney, fairytales, and weird young adult novels have instilled the idea of the “evil stepmother” in our stupid little girl brains. Yes, I realize that it’s childish, but it’s reality. We cannot wrap our heads around the idea of being an implanted maternal figure in a strange child’s life. Nope. Girls going through their tricky twenties can barely figure out how to navigate a crowded bar without hip-checking another girl purely because of jealously, and the fact they’re under the influence of a JLo remix and the natural wind that comes from power walking, much less pretend to be nurturing to something other than their spaniel mix. Sorry, not ready to come up with a cute nickname for “Not My Kid” and respond to a “Not My Mom” name yet. Just not.
6. Ed Hardy Guy
Because, obviously. Any brand that genuinely and seriously sought out Jon Gosselin as a rep is a brand that no self-respecting women will ever look at again without feeling their vaginas close right on up. .
Image via YouTube