It’s Friday evening. Your bank account is looking flush, and your button down/pea coat game is so strong it could rip an apple in half with its bare hands. You’ve been waiting to go out and tear it up since Wednesday (when you officially transitioned from “I’m never drinking again” to “I can’t wait for the weekend”). You’re ready to party, but you’re no rookie. You know the quality of the night is only as good as the pregame you base it on. It’s tough to know which one to choose, so here are all the types of pregames to help maximize your raging.
Watching The Game
For this pregame, you’ll need a high-def TV, a sports package, and a few cases of light beer. Fire off a text in the group chat and let the boys know you’ll be hosting the pregame at your place, and you’ve got the game on the flat screen. This should be a mid-level pregame; you’re not trying to get too fucked up (hence the light beer), but you are trying to have a good time and get everyone’s energy up. While this can take a while (allow 2-3 hours, depending on the sport), it is guaranteed to put you in the drunken sweet spot when you hit the bars. You’ll be in the confident level of buzzed, and your social skills will be all warmed up from talking shit to each other for the past few hours. Girls will want you and guys will want to be you.
Sometimes the crew has had a long week and you all need to get riled up. That’s when you’ll fall back on old staples – drinking games. If it was good enough to get you ready to party in college, it’s good enough for you now. You will undoubtedly get way sloppier than anticipated, and by the time you hit the bar (two hours late, because you got caught up in a best-of-nine flip cup tournament), you’ll be well past your sweet spot. You and “your boys” will descend on the bar like a swarm of identical-button-down-wearing locusts, yelling obnoxiously at each other like you’re walking down frat row all over again. You’ll command the room’s attention, but not in a good way. Everyone will hate you, but will begrudgingly admit that they wish they were having as much fun. You will eventually merge with a group of females as sloppy as you are and treat the bar to a disgusting display of PDA.
The Alone Time
It’s been a long week of talking to your boss, talking to clients, and talking to Debbie in accounting about her fucking cat’s illness again. Of course you want to go out and see your friends, but first you want one goddamn moment of peace and quiet. Much like your dad did to muster up the energy to socialize with his kids after a long day at work, you should pour yourself a glass of scotch, put on some music, and just chill. You’ve got to recharge the battery before you go out, otherwise you’ll end up being that guy scowling into his beer the whole night, secretly waiting until it’s late enough to go home and watch a Netflix documentary. Take this time to unwind, ruminate in your thoughts of the week, and get your head right. For how jam-packed life in our twenties is, this pregame doesn’t get used near as much as it should.
The Late Arrival
What kind of animal schedules a meeting at 5:30 p.m. on a Friday? Your fucking boss does. By the time your day wraps up and you’re showered and ready to go, your group is already at a douchey club, and judging by the five “see a chug, send a chug” Snapchats you’ve received, they’re exponentially drunker than you are. Most men would admit defeat, change into sweats, and turn their phone on silent to stifle the FOMO. But you are not most men. When others turn and run, you stand tall. When others falter, you push forwards. More importantly, it’s been three months since you’ve gotten laid, and that club looks like it has girls in it. Crack open a bottle of your choosing and gulp down some very aggressive drinks by yourself in your kitchen. It doesn’t count as alcoholism if you’re meeting up with people, right?
Look, you wanted to go out. You really did. You wanted to pay the Uber surge pricing, you wanted to talk to girls out of your league, and you wanted to eat a late night meal that you’d regret in the morning. But even Michael Jordan has off days, and today, you just couldn’t pull it off. Whether the decision came immediately after your first beer, or right before everyone left for the bar, at some point you had to call it a night. While you may miss out on some stories, you’ll feel better/worse when you inevitably go super hard at brunch the next day, subconsciously making up for what you missed.
The Shot Nap
Don’t try this unless you’re an expert. The shot nap is what happens when you’re running on three hours of sleep, but know you have to buckle down and go out. I first thought of it in college when I returned from my last final and was told everyone was leaving for the bar in an hour. I had stayed up all night studying, but I couldn’t bring myself to miss out on the inevitable shit show the bar would be with everyone done for the semester. I needed to pregame, but I NEEDED to sleep. And then, inspiration struck. I would do both at once.
What you do is, take your normal amount of pregame shots (six for me) and then immediately take a power nap. Your body will metabolize the alcohol while you catch up on Zs, and you’ll wake up both refreshed and drunk. In theory, this is a perfect system. In reality, it’s been a work in progress. Out of the five times I’ve tried it, only once was I successful, and the other four I woke up the next morning with a mild hangover and general sense of shame. Good luck. .
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