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The 6 Best Fictional Moms

It’s that time of year again, where we dust off our least wrinkled polo shirts, put on our “nice” khakis, and make the pilgrimage to go see our mothers, bearing gifts of cookies, flowers, chocolates and fuzzy pajamas. Actually, I could use some of those pajamas, how does one get to be a Mom?

I know personally that I’d be nowhere without my mom, and boy does she know it, too. She reminds me every chance she gets. Lovely woman. But it’s also the time of year we should pay homage to the mothers whose children can’t give them gifts and cards, because they’re fictional. But they’re just as real to us as our own mothers, because, well, we’re the generation that was raised in front of our TVs. Here are the mothers that gave us the best “aww” moments when being filmed in front of a live, studio audience.

6. Lucille Bluth from “Arrested Development”

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And now the story of a family who lost everything and the one mother who had no choice but to keep them all together. Well, not really. This is more like the woman who played her kids off of one another to accomplish her own twisted ends. And, in truth, she could not be more selfish. She sent her youngest son to the army because a Michael Moore impersonator convinced her to do so, and adopted a Korean boy just to teach that same son a lesson. She’s also in a constant war with her “best friend” and neighbor, Lucile II, openly dislikes her oldest son G.O.B., is a raging alcoholic, and constantly carries on an affair with her husband’s identical twin brother.

So why the hell is she on this list? Well…I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.

5. Tami Taylor from “Friday Night Lights”

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Tami Taylor should be higher on this list. She’s not just a great mother to the rebellious and smoking hot Julie and strange-looking baby, Gracie, she’s the mother to the entire town of Dillon, and, eventually, East Dillon, when that asshole JD McCoy and Wade Aikman stage a coup and split the town and school district in half. She becomes a mentor and surrogate mother to Tyra, and eventually rises to become the principal of Dillon High School; she refuses to back down from her ideals, even under controversy, and only under extreme pressure does she step down as the principal of Dillon, following her husband to East Dillon and, eventually, accepts a position as the Dean of Admissions at a college in Pennsylvania. Tami is a strong, southern woman: tough as nails, kind as the day is long, but if you threaten or hurt her children or the people she cares about, she’ll rip your arms out of your sockets and beat you with them. Oh, mama!

4. Clair Huxtable from “The Cosby Show”

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Anyone who can stay married to Bill Cosby and retain their sanity is certainly good enough for this list. Sassy, tough and brilliant, Clair was the main disciplinarian to their five children: Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa and Rudy. She could be tough, like when Vanessa and her friends snuck off to Baltimore to see a rock concert and Clair laid down the LAW, or when Sondra announced she wasn’t going to law school after the family had already paid her tuition, but when it came right down to it, she was the exact kind of mother we all need, strict, but fair and loving. That’s probably why she’s widely regarded as one of THE top television moms, and why we love her so very, very much. You go, Clair!

3. Mrs. Potts from “Beauty and the Beast”

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Putting the mystery of how a teapot was able to have a child, and how that child turned out to be a cup, aside, this is a woman who not only held the fact that she was TURNED INTO A LIVING EFFING TEA POT, managed to hold it together and become the den mom for the entire enchanted castle and convince a gorgeous young French chick in the prime of her life to boink a wildebeest. Mother of the freaking year.

2. Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone and Jesse Katsopolis from “Full House”

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Maybe we’re bending the definition of a “mom” here, but when DJ, Stephanie and Michelle lost their biological mom, Jesse and Joey stood up and became the best surrogate parents a kid could ever hope for. Danny was the stern, but fair parent that told corny jokes and acted like a goofball, Joey was the jokester that was more of a kid than the children, and Jesse was more of a badass older brother, working on motorcycles and cars until the adorable Michelle breaks through his tough exterior, allowing him to come to terms with his own issues and even soften enough to have a wife and family of his very own. Does that mean the kids parented the parents just as much as they parented the kids? Maybe. But all I know is: I wouldn’t mind having those three tuck me in to “The Teddybear Song” once or twice. Have mercy.

1. Marge Simpson from “The Simpsons”

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The OG Mother of the Year since 1989. This blue-haired, green-dressed vixen worked her way into our hearts with her tough love parenting and kind, patient heart that even broke down Bart’s devil-may-care, “eat my shorts” attitude. As a nation, our hearts broke when Bart stole the “Bonestorm” video game from Try-N-Save and she questioned where she went wrong as a parent, and though she was never the funniest character, she was certainly the most interesting, having given up her dreams of being an artist and actress (and even possibly a professional bowler) for her family. Happy Mother’s Day, Marge! You’ve certainly earned it.

But the mom we all love the most, of course, is our own. Happy Mother’s Day, Mothers of Postgrads everywhere!

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