There is absolutely nothing better than catching a game in person. There is some sort of mystique to watching your team play live while you down a cold one and some stadium food novelty. It’s hard to ruin that experience. Unless, of course, you’re sitting near one of these people. Sitting near an experienced ruiner not only takes your attention away from the game, but it makes you feel like you spent money on tickets for nothing. Don’t be one of these people.
The Guy Who Wears A Different Jersey
We get it. You are a Yankees fan, and you live in Texas, so actually experiencing a Yanks game in person is tough when they only come to town six days a year. That doesn’t mean you have to parade around your Derek Jeter jersey and Yankees cap when the Rangers are playing the Angels. Fug off, dude. Just watch the game wearing some neutral colors. It’s not that hard. These guys are the absolute worst, and I’ll most likely verbally pummel you if I see this.
The Guy Who Starts The Wave
Oh, you’re bored? Maybe you shouldn’t have shelled out $75 a ticket then. Sit your ass back in your seat and watch the game. I don’t want my view blocked for any point of the action, and your wave is doing just that about seven times around the stadium. Starting the wave is not an accomplishment. Your dad is not any prouder of you than he was the day before. In fact, you may now be shunned from Thanksgiving dinner. There are better things you can start at a game, such as a chant about how bad the ump is at calling balls and strikes. Or try getting into the opponents’ heads. Anything really. Just don’t start the wave. My sanity is banking on it.
The Super Drunk Guy
Hey bud, I didn’t come to the game so I could listen to your drunk ass spout off about how if you ran the team, “things would be different.” If I wanted to be around stumbling drunk fools who don’t even know what inning it is or who we are playing, I would have gone to a bar. I’m not saying you can’t enjoy a few, but this isn’t your bachelor party. You’re also twenty times more likely to piss off the dude who literally wants to fight you because you’re being a mumbling idiot. In the back of my head, I’m secretly hoping that a foul ball banks off your noggin so we can finally get back to yelling at Nellie Cruz for his inability to catch a fly ball.
The Guy Who Brings His Glove To The Game
It’s time to let go of your childhood dreams of playing left field for an MLB team. You’re no longer an innocent child who needs to bring his mitt to a game. In fact, unless you’re playing on a beer league softball team, why do you even have a glove to begin with? You’re single with no kids. Not only do you tower over Tommy, the 8-year-old next to you, but now you’re just basically ensuring that he’s not catching a ball because you can’t stop hoping that a scout sees your catch and hits up your cellie. Use your bare hands, or your beer. Just remember you have to chug it.
The Complaining Girl
It’s a big game and the dude two seats down decided to drag his girlfriend along who has zero interest in sports. While you’re trying to analyze whether or not the pitcher should drop a curve on the hitter or maybe hit him with some high heat, all you can hear in the background is loud, obnoxious groans. “Is this thing going to be over soon? They’ve already played five periods.” It’s innings. Now, shut up. Please, just shut up, or just go home. We don’t want to see the awkward kiss cam vid of him trying to kiss you while you’re bickering..