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The 5 Worst People In Law School

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My basic threshold for whether I find someone cool is if I’d have a beer with them. Sounds simple at face value, right? It’s a hell of a standard when you think about it, though. Right away, it rules out the creeps, those who can’t hold a conversation, and karaoke singers. It’s a time-tested qualifier that you can take to the bank.

As low as that social bar is, you’d be amazed at how many kids in law school trip over it, more so than probably any other grad school. Here’s the worst of the bunch. The group of law students that you not only want to avoid having a drink with, but make you want to get up out of your barstool, leave the pub completely, and check yourself into Alcoholics Anonymous.

1. Gunners

Really, this entire piece could be reduced to one word, gunners, and we could all go home and jumpstart our Thanksgiving breaks. We all know the gunners. The front row over-achievers who are trying to hijack the top of the bell curve, one raised hand at a time.

Cool your jets, you dorks. You think the professors are impressed by your transparent brownnosing act? Please. Any monkey could read the material and give the facts of a case just to earn a few participation points. It takes a real able-minded attorney to show up to class unprepared, get caught Facebook creeping, and fly by the seat of your pants. After all, everyone has to dance with the one who brought you, and bullshitting is the best two-step partner one can find.

2. The Guy Who Thinks He’s Already An Attorney

Bar exam be damned, this dude already has an imaginary esquire at the end of his name. He’s all business from head to toe, showing up to class rocking a power suit (with an improperly-matched necktie knot). If you’re not sure who this fellow is, just keep an eye out for whoever’s rolling to class with the briefcase.

3. People Who Talk About Law School Outside Of Class

There is a set-in-stone list of topics that one should always avoid during small talk, and they are as follows: religion, politics, how your fantasy football team did this week, and law school curriculum. It’s an easy trap to fall into, especially if you’re hanging out with classmates. After all, it’s how you all know each other. That’s exactly why you should be steering clear of it. Why bring that misery into the same environment where you’re drinking to forget about that very misery?

4. Old-Timers Going Back For Their JD Degree

The 50-year-old birds who come back to work on the JD rub me the wrong way for some reason. Just seem a little too eager to learn the material and ask pertinent questions. The nerve of these guys. I am far too busy enjoying my strong hairline to have life experiences that annunciate my talking points, thank you very much.

5. The A**hole That Is Too Cool For School

Homeboy’s social circle is limited to friends from undergrad. When he finally does go out with his classmates, he spends the evening realizing he doesn’t know anyone there, probably because his social circle is limited to friends from undergrad. So he does a few laps around the relatively-sober party, realizes this is how people our age should be acting, and consequentially dips out after an hour due to boredom in order to go hang with other people who are equally immature, all before writing a blog post about how his seemingly nice classmates annoy him. What a prick.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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